The mother of a long-time friend passed away recently. So this morning, I put on a suit and went to her funeral.
I probably should say, "...put on *the* suit and went to her funeral", because for the last 20 or so years, I've only owned one suit, a charcoal gray two-piece number that is (or I hope it is - I don't claim deep expertise in this) appropriate for all the varied but dwindling number of occasions for which an adult male is expected, or at least may still be permitted, to wear a suit.
It wasn't always thus. As a young man, I worked for a large insurance brokerage, and men above the rank of mail room clerk (not that we were given explicit ranks, but as in all other human social organizations there was a hierarchy) wore a suit to work daily. I don't recall exactly how many suits I owned, but it must have been at least 6-8. In a given week, a few would be at the dry cleaner's, and the rest would be worn to work. We wore the same suits over and over - a given suit could be worn 2-3 times over the course of two work weeks. But we would vary the look: different colors and patterns of ties, different colors and styles of shirts, pocket squares, socks, shoes, belts or suspenders. It wasn't cheap; in fact, to build up the wardrobe, many young men (including me) went into consumer debt.
Sometime during that job, in the 1980s, casual Friday was invented. As I recall, allowing the workers (in some roles, usually not client-facing) in our conservative insurance environment to dress down on Fridays was considered a momentous decision, something that the senior-most executives hemmed and hawed over for quite a while before issuing carefully crafted guidelines. (Denim? Still verboten in the office in those days, despite it having been the leisure-time national uniform for at least a decade by then.)
Then, in the early 1990s, I went to work for a small, ambitious, fast-growing company that styled itself a high-tech company. (Although in reality it wasn't a particularly technical environment; it was in the business of selling personal-computer software, and later software licenses, to businesses. We didn't employ engineers, we employed hustling salespeople who couldn't have enunciated more than two or three features or benefits of the technical products they sold, but they were quite good at fostering relationships. They moved right from the frat and sorority houses into cubicles in our offices.) In line with the hi-tech vibe which prevailed then and more or less continues to exist today, we were a casual work environment.
I have to say, starting in that job after having been immersed in the world of insurance brokerage, I thought my new co-workers dressed like slobs. They could, and did, wear jeans and a t shirt every day. The company drew the line at wearing shorts to work, and the women weren't allowed to be *too* revealing in their workwear, but other than that, the workplace looked like a college dorm on laundry day. For the first two or three weeks, I continued to wear a suit and tie to work. Finally a senior VP pulled me aside and told me to loosen up. I was game, but I had the wrong clothes in my closet. I had to go out and buy non-dress clothes. It turned out that dressing down isn't really a lot cheaper than dressing up.
So over time, as clothing wore out and, not unrelated, as I slowly and steadily got less skinny with the passing years, the number of suits in my closet diminished. Now there is only one left. I still have quite a collection of neckties, at least 25-30, even though I pared down the inventory pretty considerably a few years back. But the occasions for which I wear a necktie in any given year probably can be counted on the fingers of one hand. At some point, I think in the 90s, men developed an intermediate degree of dressiness that encompassed wearing a sport coat but not a tie. As a matter of fact, that is how my long-time friend dressed this morning for his mom's funeral.
But today I put on a tie with the suit - a tie chosen to fit the occasion: a sober and muted green stripe. I have some bold and brash ties, but not for today. Along with the tie was a white shirt, black socks, the charcoal gray suit, brown shoes and a brown belt. (I have a black belt and black dress shoes, but an issue of GQ a number of years ago decreed that brown shoes and belts are fine with gray suits, and I've run with it ever since, because my brown shoes are considerably comfier, and I expected to be in them for a long time today.) In short, I put on what I consider to be standard funeral wear - practically a uniform. This is what I was taught when I was growing up in the 1960s and 70s, and I have continued to cling to that view.
I don't think I'm particularly uptight and condemning when it comes to how one should dress, but I guess I learned today that I have a limit. Because I have to say: I was surprised, and maybe even a little shocked, at how un-dressy most of the funeral attendees were. There were probably a couple of hundred folks there. Among the men, I would guess that less than 20% of us were wearing suits. Some others were a degree less dressy: sport coat and tie. But there were more who, arguably, weren't dressed up for an occasion at all. Some were wearing what, in my 1980s-era insurance brokerage office, would have passed for casual dress: dockers, a sweater and loafers. But there were also, especially among the younger guys, some who wore jeans and a t shirt, or jeans and a flannel shirt, or jeans and a sweatshirt. I saw one guy who wore a necktie with a flannel shirt.
I suppose some folks, reading this, would be inclined to criticize me for being too judgy and bourgeois about this matter of men's dress. After all, men's suits are not cheap, and not everyone can afford to have even one in his closet. I reply: oh, stuff. There are cheap suits for sale. That is why cheap suits exist: so men who can't afford expensive suits can still dress for occasions that call for a suit. Cheap suits, on the whole, don't look as fine as expensive suits, but they pass muster. And the fit is usually more important than the grade of the suit.
It wasn't that many generations ago that men wore suits everywhere: to the office, to dine, to church, to shop, to socialize. The social rule of thumb was: if you were leaving your house, and you didn't have to appear in public in a uniform, then you wore a uniform anyway: a suit and tie. Over the course of my lifetime, that rule has relaxed, to the point now that one wonders: does it exist at all anymore?
Jim, that sounds pretty much like what happens here. If you see younger guys at a funeral wearing sharp looking suits, you know they're employees of the funeral home. We always felt like it was a gesture of respect for the deceased to dress up in more or less sober colors. I don't know what is expected of clergy where you are, but here, if they're not vested they usually wear suits or sport coats. Kelly is getting so he doesn't wear ties very much. They always were his least favorite article of clothing. But he always wears a white shirt if he is deaconing at the altar, even though he is vested. You rarely ever see our present priest not wearing black clericals.
ReplyDeleteMy parents had six grandsons, and they were pallbearers for each of the funerals. When Mom passed away they were teenagers and college students, and they had to borrow suits. When Dad passed it was 22 years later, they were professionals and at least owned a suit. There were six granddaughters too, and we had them place the pall on the casket for Dad.
If you go to a Lutheran LCMS funeral you will see a lot more formally attired people than at a Catholic one.
But the bottom line is to show up. People aren't going to remember what you wore, or what you said. But they'll remember that you cared enough to be there. I think it really does help the family to have the support of relatives and friends when they are grieving.
Just a memory of my dad, he always washed the car if he was going to a funeral. He thought it looked tacky to drive a dirty car out to the cemetery.
DeleteI don't go to many clergy funerals because I still work all day, but as my post implies, if I'm not vested I'm in a suit and tie, or at least a sport coat and tie, at funerals.
DeleteWe were taught in deacon formation to wear dress shoes, dress pants and a white shirt when we vest - the white shirt being considered important so it doesn't clash with, or bleed through, the alb. Although, if I have to be somewhere after mass and won't have time to change, I'll wear other colors and patterns of shirts. I don't care if the cuffs show at the end of the alb sleeves. Most of the priests in the Chicago Archdiocese don't wear clericals for daily wear, either, and most of them aren't wearing white shirts under their vestments.
I'd really like to wear gym shoes to be nicer to my feet - deacons stand for long periods of time - but I so far I haven't compromised to that extent yet. Btw, choir singers stand even longer - from the end of the homily until the end of communion (and we might not get to sit down even then, if the priest skips the silent contemplation and pushes on to the end of mass). There is something about standing up without being able to walk about that makes my feet sore.
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ReplyDeleteThis does sound mean, judgy, and snobby. Also incredibly ignorant about the choices low income people have to make when they have to bury a loved one on the cheap.
ReplyDeleteJean, I think it's just about time passing and changing customs.
Delete"I don't think I'm particularly uptight and condemning when it comes to how one should dress, but I guess I learned today that I have a limit. Because I have to say: I was surprised, and maybe even a little shocked, at how un-dressy most of the funeral attendees were."
Delete"After all, men's suits are not cheap, and not everyone can afford to have even one in his closet. I reply: oh, stuff. There are cheap suits for sale. That is why cheap suits exist: so men who can't afford expensive suits can still dress for occasions that call for a suit. Cheap suits, on the whole, don't look as fine as expensive suits, but they pass muster. And the fit is usually more important than the grade of the suit."
That doesn't sound snobby and judgy to you? M'okay.
Yeah, I'll cop to it - I'm judging. Don't think I'm completely wrong, though. And I fear there is something significant that underlies this funeral- minimalism - a lack of seriousness.
ReplyDeleteSometimes there is a lack of taste. Sometimes there is a lack of $$. Neither should be confused for a lack of empathy.
DeleteI don't think showing up for a funeral (vs the ghouls who sometimes haunt visitations) ever denotes a lack of "seriousness." Unless all you're doing is sitting there noting sartorial faux pas so we can all be horrified by the hoi polloi.
Maybe you could impose a dress code at St Edna's and keep jackets and ties on hand like at other private clubs?
Clothes don't equal respect or lack of empathy. But it's kind of funny how everyone seems to get all gussied up for weddings. Even there customs have changed. For my parents' wedding, and for that matter, ours, a bridal dress made by a seamstress from a Simplicity pattern, and the guys who were groomsmen wearing their church clothes was considered perfectly fine. Now the bride's dress is going to cost at least $1K, and the guys have to rent a tux. I don't think I could have gotten Dad into a tux. But come to think of it my youngest sister somehow did for her wedding.
DeleteDress codes have varied across cultures, social status and time. In my case, observance of these has been very much influenced by my dad and my mother.
ReplyDeleteDad was a steelworker; their work clothes were very standard. Dad had very few activities outside of work and home. He never developed a taste for clothes. Mom would always put his washed clothes at the bottom of dresser drawers since he always put on whatever was on top. The Romans had a saying “Clothes make the man.” Dad likely thought that a man makes the clothes. He was very comfortable in his technical skills.
Mom was a proud woman who dressed up even when she went grocery shopping. She decorated herself much like she decorated our house. Our priest once admired some prints in our home and suggested they came from Kaufmann’ s the big department store in Pittsburgh; they came from the local 5 & 10. My aunt thought my mother was the better home decorator since she did better with much cheaper materials. Mom was like that with her clothes.
I can’t remember what I wore to high school in the fifties. Certainly wasn’t a suit or blue jeans. I guess like my dad I put on whatever mom gave me. Church was different. I was an altar boy who wore cassock and surplice. I remained one through high school as I took over the servers once a seminarian from our parish was ordained. People referred to me as the “associate pastor.”
Freshman year at Wheeling Jesuit College was suits and ties for class and the dining hall. That reflected the upper class mentally of Jesuits. Then I went to Saint John’s University in Collegeville Minnesota where we wore shirts or sweaters, and pants. That did not change in graduate school. Nor when I became a postdoctoral fellow at the University of Mass.
When I began teaching at Ball State we were required to be in suit or sports coat and tie. Things were a little more relaxed at Franklin College. Back to suits, sports coat and tie when I was a postdoctoral resident at Saint Elizabeth in D.C.
When I migrated to the public mental health system, suits and ties began to disappear from my wardrobes. Although Executive Directors in our system usually dressed in suits and ties, as senior staff I got away with dressing in a sports coat or sweater and pants. I began collecting Native American bolo ties for use on more dress-up occasions such as board meetings. Like my father I can put in an impressive professional performance but prefer to mute the clothes aspect to make everyone more comfortable with my intellectuality.
With retirement I began to wear cargo pants everywhere since I like the storage for iphone, sunglasses, etc. I have ceased to wear sports coats except for special occasions, e.g. funerals, dinners. I don’t think I own a suit.
After my mom died, I began to wear crosses at Mass. She had a beautiful jewelry store cross, very modern design, which I still wear on Christmas, Easter, and special church occasions. I had also been collecting crosses but never used them. But after her death I use them in church. I wear them as a vestment. That is, I take the cross out of my pocket and place it around my neck at the beginning of Mass and take it off as soon as Mass ends.
In recent years I have also begun to wear a prayer shawl during the colder months of the year. I have a rather nice collection of prayer shawls.
And for more than a decade now I also “wear” a walking stick. I have a great collection of walking sticks and vary them for church much like liturgical colors. So, I do give the clergy some competition with my elegant walking stick, prayer shawl, and pectoral cross! All varied across the liturgical seasons. Remember we are all temples of God!
In my own way, I have kept my mother’s love of expressing herself in her clothes even thought I still have my father’s basic beliefs about clothes, be practical no need to impress people.
I have moved to shawls and ruana's instead of bed jackets and bathrobes. Easier on and off and you can arrange them where you're cold. Hospital nurses were happy with them, as they could easily be adjusted around IVs and monitors. And no pesky buttons to deal with for scans and xrays.
DeleteI have lately added handwarmers, as my hands are very susceptible to cold.
When The Boy and his cousins were little, I knitted them ponchos. Warm in the car, double as blankets, and kids don't outgrow them as quickly as sweaters.
My nieces and nephews asked me to make some for their new babies. They are fun to make. I usually knit a pattern in them and say a prayer each time the pattern changes. Then I sprinkle them with holy water before sending.
Apropos of nothing, there are interesting articles about women who passed coded messages to resistance fighters and allied troops in knitting.
From Wikihow.com
ReplyDelete• Basic suits are usually between $400 and $799. They’re perfect for first-time buyers or one-time events.
• Mid-level suits range from $800 to $1,500. They’re usually made of all natural fabrics and will be custom-made to fit you.
• High-end suits are usually $1,500 and up. They’re often bespoke suits, meaning sewn from scratch, and always use all-natural materials.
I thought I'd see what perplexity.ai (a new ai search engine) would say, and my question and perplexity's answer are as follows:
Is there any reason not to buy a cheap suit?
ANSWER
There are several reasons not to buy a cheap suit:
1. Quality: Cheap suits are often made with low-quality materials and craftsmanship, which can result in a suit that looks and feels cheap. Expensive suits, on the other hand, are made with higher-quality fabrics and better construction, ensuring a longer-lasting and more comfortable garment.
2. Fit: The most significant difference between cheap and expensive suits is their fit. Cheap suits often have a loose fit in the chest, sleeves, and collar area, making the wearer look disproportional. In contrast, an expensive, well-tailored suit will provide a precise fit that complements the wearer's body shape
3. Durability: Expensive suits are more likely to have a longer lifespan due to their high-quality fabric and construction. Cheap suits may not last as long, requiring you to replace them more frequently.
4. Appearance: Cheap suits may not offer the same level of style and elegance as expensive suits. They may have visible imperfections, uneven stitching, and a less refined overall look.
5.Tailoring: If you need to have a cheap suit tailored to achieve a better fit, the cost can end up being similar to that of an off-the-rack suit from a reputable brand. In such cases, it might be more cost-effective to invest in a better-quality suit from the start.
However, if you have a limited budget and need a suit for a one-time occasion, you can consider buying a used or vintage suit. This option allows you to acquire a higher-quality suit at a lower price point, as long as you ensure the suit is in good condition and fits well.
I don't know how many of you remember leisure suits. They sort of seemed like a good idea at the time. But they had a moment, and became passe quickly. My husband had a blue one and I thought he looked nice in it. His boss at the time was a very big guy and had a canary yellow one. Which earned him the nickname of Big Bird. Our sons had little leisure suits, immortalized in some photos. They are still giving me a hard time when they see the pictures. Mom! I can't believe you took us to a wedding wearing leisure suits!
DeleteNever had a leisure suit. I can't quite remember when they died out. One of our technicians grew up in the Strawberry-Mansion part of Philly in the 30's and early 40's. He belonged to a gang that wore Zoot suits. To distinguish themselves, they didn't wear the Zoot hat. Now I'm thinking of Cab Calloway.
DeleteI had a leisure suit in the 1970s, when I was in high school. The boys in our Catholic high school had to wear a jacket and tie, and leisure suits were hot during those disco times. Katherine, mine was powder blue. We had to wear it with a tie. I don't know whether that was what the grown-up guys at the disco did, but we had to follow the school rules.
DeleteI had a brown corduroy suit, too.
At JC Penney, it appears one could get Stafford brand suit separates (jacket and pants) for less than $200 together. I'd be surprised if Penney's stores have in-store tailors, so you'd be on your own to get it fitted.
Deletehttps://www.jcpenney.com/g/men/mens-suits-sport-coats?brand=stafford%7Cvan+heusen&fit=classic+fit&id=cat100250022&productGridView=medium&sort=BS&cm_re=ZA-_-GALLERY-SUITS-SPORT-COATS-_-GRID-_-TALL-NUC-CLASSIC_1&activeFacetId=8
At Macy's, some respectable brands - Ralph Lauren, Hugo Boss, Brooks Brother - can be had for < $500. Ralph Lauren separates apparently are on sale at the moment and don't appear to cost any more than the Stafford suit separates at JC Penney. I don't think Macy's has in-store tailors, either. Some of the dry cleaners around here do tailoring.
https://www.macys.com/shop/mens-clothing/mens-suits/Suit_fit,Sortby/Classic%20Fit,BEST_SELLERS?id=17788
My husband has totally done the JC Penney sport coats. I don't think anyone is going to look at the inside tag to see where you got them!
DeleteAlbs and vestments are another story. The parish ponied up for his first alb after he got ordained. But after that it seems like you're on your own. The dalmatics belong to the parish and some of them are getting a little frayed. But that's their problem.
I bought a second hand tuxedo around 20 years ago for the annual Viennese balls and anything else that might show up. I bought a pinstripe suit around 15 years ago for, believe it or not, a Vietnamese ball. That takes care of everything else. I never mind dressing up or, as they say, putting on the monkey suit. I feel compelled to dress up for certain events and don't mind wearing a tie. As far as what other guys wear, I could care less one way or the other. Some younger kids came dressed casually to my mother's funeral in 2020 but I was just appreciative they were there. Eddie Bauer takes care of my every day wear.
ReplyDeleteMy husband had a secondhand K of C tux because you supposedly needed one (I'm not quite sure for what?). But then K of C went and changed up their outfits. He said he's not buying the new look. The hats look kind of like a Green Beret one, only black. They'll never live up to the Three Musketeers ostrich plume one!
DeleteYeah, Katherine. Those K of C outfits were hard to miss. Never mess with tradition. But maybe climate change is killing off the ostriches and they had no choice. Hard to catch anyway when you wanted to pluck their feathers
DeleteFrom todays daily Ignatian Reflection
ReplyDeleteIgnatian Reflection
Law of Love
Serving as an associate pastor shortly after ordination, I met wonderful parishioners in the church – generous, kind, encouraging, and happy to help out. One of our most dependable and regular parishioners served as a greeter and usher at two Masses every Sunday. Martha, retired and in her early 70’s, was in great physical health and condition, and showed off her dancer’s figure with stylish clothes. But she would also comment every Sunday about other parishioners: why don’t they dress better; her hair is a mess; their children should sit more quietly; they should kneel and pray when they enter the pew; people don’t genuflect correctly; he never makes the sign of the cross; etc. I would respond -- patiently and gently, I hope –that I was just grateful that they are coming to Mass, and that they are raising a family of children and bringing them to Mass every week. I would sometimes say, “do you think that God really cares what we wear or whether we comb our hair?”