Earlier this week, I visited my hometown to attend a funeral at the parish church where I was baptized, confirmed and served as an altar boy. The brief episode stirred some thoughts and emotions.
I took a day off work yesterday to drive to Michigan for a funeral. My dad's cousin Betty recently passed away. Our families were close when I was growing up. My dad was one of those career men in the 1960s and 70s (and beyond) who moved the family every few years from one town to another, as he took bigger/better jobs. Every time he changed jobs, he hired Betty's husband Bob, so Bob, Betty and their kids moved every time we did. They generally lived within a few blocks of us, and their kids were in the same age group as me and my siblings. We all attended the same schools.
Living a childhood in which one gets uprooted and relocated every few years leaves one feeling disjointed. One leaves behind friendships (and sometimes family relationships, too) and more often than not those ties, once loosened, don't really get bound again. I think I may have mentioned this previously: my formative years sometimes feel like a string of beads, each bead constituting a discrete chapter in my young life, with no overlap or continuity from one bead to the other - the beads are just adjacent to one another.
It's not an accident that I've stayed in one place for 30 years now, and that I've tried to give my children stability and predictability.
So on the occasions when I've gone back to my hometown, it awakens a certain longing in me. I often want to drive around, seeing again the houses, neighborhoods, school and church where I spent my time. I think about my school friends, wondering how their lives turned out. I guess the longing I feel is to reconnect - to graft my life back onto the tree of the community I left behind a long time ago. Rationally, I know it would be dumb for me to move back to my hometown: my school friends have long gone their separate ways and have lived most of their lives now without me (and in some cases, their lives have ended), and the same is true of my extended family. My dad's remaining cousins all are quite old now. The town isn't the same as when we moved away: it's shrunk, and everything looks more dilapidated. I'm probably well out of it. But that's the rational part of me talking. The longing for connection and continuity is still there.
So even though the funeral was supposed to be a sad occasion, it did me a lot of good to reconnect yesterday with members of the extended family. They all remember me, even if most of them didn't quite recognize me when I walked in. The older cousins (those of my parents' generation) all remarked that I look a lot like my dad (or like my dad looked when he was my age), so they had an inkling where I fit in on the family tree, even if they weren't completely sure at first if it was me or one of my brothers.
One of my dad's cousins (one one of Betty's sisters, as a matter of fact) is a religious sister, an IHM. That was the order that taught at the Catholic school that she and I (and my dad and Betty and many other family members) attended. Several of her fellow IHM sisters attended the funeral with her, and among them was my fifth grade homeroom teacher. It must be nearly 50 years ago that I was in fifth grade. Hard to believe how young she must have been when I was in her homeroom - and at the time, I thought she was really old :-). She claimed to remember me; I think teachers never admit they don't remember any of the hundreds of children who passed through their classrooms. So that was an unexpected and rather joyful reconnection for me.
Sounds like it was a nice reunion with extended family, even though for a sad occasion. It is the same when we visit our hometown.
ReplyDeleteOur situation was a bit different, in that we were the ones moving around a lot. There really wasn't much choice about it. The '80s and to a degree the '90s were a turbulent work environment, with employers getting bought and sold, with layoffs and downsizings. But the one constant was my childhood home, the place where we were always welcome, the door wasn't locked and we didn't have to knock. Now after 70 years things are different, now that both parents are gone. My niece and her son are moving into the house. Which is good, I'm glad there will still be family there. But it's not going to be the same.
Like you, we have sometimes entertained the thought of moving back to our hometown. Me more than my husband, he didn't have the same degree of attachment to it. But it would never have been practical. There was the matter of employment, not too many opportunities. And it really is a long way from anywhere.
Now we are at the age where we need to face the depressing task of making a will (I can't believe we never did!) and deciding where we want to be buried. I had always thought I wanted to be buried back home, both mine and my husband's parents are in that cemetery, not to mention four generations of my family. But now it doesn't seem to really matter. We might as well make the arrangements where we are now, it would be easier for our kids.
What you're describing about your childhood home: that was how it was for my dad, too. The house was originally purchased by my great-grandparents when they immigrated to the US. My grandfather grew up in that house, and then bought it from his mom when he got married. His mom continued to live with him and his wife. So that's where by dad was born and lived until he went off to college. When my dad got married, he bought the same house from his dad. And so I was born and lived in that some house for the first six or so years of my life.
DeleteWhile I keep connections with my family back in South Western Pennsylvania, and could have moved back there into the house where I grew up, I decided against that some 20 years ago.
ReplyDeleteEverything is just more convenient here. All the stores, doctors, and churches (both Catholic and Orthodox) are within a mile. The roads are well kept in the winter. Back in Pennsylvania there are several malls but they are about fifteen miles in either direction. They have closed most of the Catholic churches in the area. It is generally a depressing area in which to live. On the other hand there is a rather large family network there. I am sure if I became homebound there that they would take care of me.
Betty and I are in the same position. We both like living here, but she like myself does not have a family support system here, her daughter, grandson and great grand daughter all live in Montana. All of them are living there because that is where the jobs are. None of them are in good financial shape.
The challenge for people our age who do not have families nearby is to develop a network of friends who are slightly younger, i.e. 60-70 years old retired by not yet disabled to support us as we age. When I was on pastoral council I proposed the parish become a retirement community in which as people age and their children leave the nest (and usually move elsewhere) they would begin to care for the elderly in the parish knowing that when they became elderly younger 60 year-olds would be recruited into the retirement community.
The parish has a school and a lot of people who have kids; neither they nor the pastor were into becoming a retirement community. Very short sighted, we old people may not have income but we do have savings. I think a lot of us would have been very willing to be generous in our wills if we had a retirement community.
Jack, the idea of your extended family taking care of you is a happy thought. I hope it's true! My observation is that the elderly in extended families can be out of sight/out of mind.
DeleteThe experience of my extended family has been that they do a good job at the essentials, checking in on people, getting them the things that are needed. On the other hand younger people live full lives, and so the elderly that live alone can be rather lonely and thereby spend a lot of time watching TV. That is not a problem for me since I use computers rather than watching TV.
DeleteOne of the important things for elderly who live alone is to have someone who interacts with them regularly at their home and can detect deterioration. Betty and I help each other a great deal by monitoring each others habits (eating, hydration, exercise).
I grew up in Delaware County west of Philadelphia. I'll drive 1-1/2 hour to get to the Thanksgiving Dinner at my cousins house in the Philadelphia area. The family is somewhat clustered in the PA-DE-NJ tri-state region. I don't have any friends there anymore. Most of my friends are from work and still live in my area. Some have moved from the area to be closer to their grandchildren. They've also been dying. Half my poker table partners from the 80's are gone. But I've made new friends from dancing although I've lost a couple of them. It's an older crowd.
ReplyDeleteI'm gambling that since my biological pattern seems to follow my mother's, I can function adequately on my own until the last two years. I do what I can to maintain function. I was recently diagnosed with obstructive sleep apnea and am scheduled to be fit with a CPAP machine. One less degenerating condition.
Stanley has the dancing resumed?
DeleteI was asked a few years ago to use a CPAP machine. I'm sorry to report, I've refused. I can't stand the feeling of a face covering being strapped on so tightly - it makes me feel extremely claustrophobic. I hate the inability to scratch my nose if it itches - and as soon as the mask gets strapped on, by nose inevitably starts to itch :-). I'm usually a pretty cooperative medical patient, but I've drawn the line at CPAP.
I was once diagnosed as having sleep apnea, however I had a great deal of difficulty with the CPAP machine. It really destroyed my good sleeping habits. After I had lost about 10-15 pounds I had them retest me. They found the sleep apnea was gone and attributed it to the weight lost which sometimes happens.
DeleteHowever being a good scientist I analyzed the data a little differently. The first time I had an overnight sleep study was in a converted wing of a motel on a flat bed. The second study was in a hospital setting with a hospital bed where I could raise my upper body.
Since sleeping on a raised bed also cures sleep apnea in some I bought an adjustable bed. I also got the app SnoreLab which records my snoring on my iphone. When the bed is flat solid deep snoring all night long; when it is raised at the right angle almost zero percent snoring.
You might want to get the app and check out your snoring, and if elevating your bed or checking into a motel with an elevated bed cures your snoring.
They should check out everyone on an adjustable bed to see if that does away with the sleep apnea. I guess the doctors and the CPAP lobbies are better than the adjustable bed lobby.
Jack and Jim, I am more worried about the drop in oxygen than the snoring. Apparently, my
DeleteO2 saturation drops to 77%. I will adapt one way or another because of the risk of dementia. Also, I think my alertness during the day is starting to suffer. I will try to lose weight but that takes time. In the meantime, I'm never one to turn down a quick fix.
I did get a snore app and I show improvement with weight loss. I sleep ordinarily in the fetal position, and lying on my back gives me a sore back. I'll let you all know how it works out.
Yes, Jim. Dancing is starting up again but not back up to previous level. Some couples stay together. Other's like me are dancewise promiscuous. I'm counting on my triple Moderna.
DeleteCPAP success story, husband has had a CPAP for nearly 15 years. Previously he snored like a chainsaw, and had episodes of stopping breathing. He didn't get decent sleep, and I didn't either. Worse than that he would fall asleep at the drop of a hat, and nod off when driving.
DeleteSometimes a non family member can get through to someone better than their near and dear. One time he shared a motel room with a co-worker when they went to a work conference. The co-worker said to him, "Do you realize that you quit breathing sometimes while you're sleeping? You really need to get that checked out!" So he did. The technician doing the sleep study quit counting when he got to 40 apnea episodes. Insurance paid for most of the cost of the first CPAP. It made a difference like night and day. K. was much more rested and didn't have the daytime sleepiness any more. And I didn't have to move into the guest room to get a decent night's sleep. The CPAP might have saved his life, because I'm sure it's hard on your heart to quit breathing during sleep..
One thing that might be in my favor is that I wake in exactly the same position in which I fell asleep. Zero restlessness. Total sleep paralysis. After I hooked myself up to the home sleep study gadgets, they were undisturbed when I woke. I'll see how the mask thing works out. Seems to me a 3D profile of a face interfaced to a 3D printer could provide a perfect comfortable fit. I know someone with a 3D printer. Maybe it's a chance to do some fun engineering. Goody.
ReplyDeleteAnne, if you are reading this, I hope your surgery went okay.
ReplyDeleteHi, Katherine. Thanks for asking. The surgery went well, and I have had no pain, so the opiates they prescribed haven't been used. Some brain fog from the anesthesia for a day or so. The tumor is very small, the cancer caught early, so the prognosis is good. There will be more therapy but not chemo and I am grateful. Thank you all for your prayers!
DeleteSince my husband's hometown is east coast and my hometown is west coast, it seems that we will have to choose! My husband's "hometown" is a suburb of DC, and we have always lived there since we got married. It's not a small, cozy town like yours. Mine was in the mountains of southern Calif, a small town of 2000 in winter, 20,000 in summer, a mountain lake resort for LA and San Diego. I still see my high school best friends when I am in Calif, and we have been able to visit our favorite teacher (music) now and then. None of our little high school group still lives there, but 3 are in SoCal so when I am there we try to get together. Our beloved choir teacher was 95 this week and called me last night to thank me for the birthday card. Some of the businesses in my hometown are now owned by classmates from high school, inherited from their parents. Some are now run/owned by their own children, third generation owners.
Jack, both of my former RC parishes built assisted living on their property, next to the churches. Not "active retirement" communities, but individual rooms and shared dining and recreation facilities. They are not cheap, but more affordable than similar senior properties. They are quite nice, actually.
Glad to hear of your favorable prognosis, Anne.
DeleteAnne, very glad to hear that your surgery went well, and that the prognosis is good. I'm also glad you don't have to do chemo, that can be pretty rough. I'll continue praying for your successful treatment and recovery.
DeleteThe brain fog from anesthesia was my experience, too.
Your hometown sounds like it would be an interesting place. Big difference between the summer and winter populations!
Betty and I are happy that your surgery went well.
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DeleteI started legally working complete with social security withdrawals when I was 13. The business owners were heavily dependent on the cheap labor of teenagers and somehow the community wrangled an exemption from the child labor laws so that we could get work permits at 13 instead of 15. I worked at some of the featured activities on TripAdvisor. The McKenzie Water Ski school is one of the businesses I mentioned that is now operated by the grandchildren of the people who owned it in my day. I sometimes babysat for their daughters. Others that my former classmates inherited were the plant nursery, lumberyard, and small inns and restaurants. Over the years some of my high school classmates have lost their homes in forest fires, and also the lumberyard business (now rebuilt). Some stayed and taught in our high school, and one former classmate was the school principal at one time. I think this is really not so different a pattern from your small town, or Jim’s except for the glamorous veneer that is due to its resort status and the influx of money from the second home community. It’s fortunately not a dying, dilapidated town.
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DeleteThank you all!
Katherine, my hometown is a mountain resort town with a lake for summer and snow in winter, near a small ski area. It’s at 5200’ above sea level, and about 2 hours drive from both LA and San Diego, close enough for weekends. You probably have seen it in a tv show, or movie, or tv commercial. It’s close to LA so is often used for filming when a pretty mountain lake is needed. The all year population now is more than it was when I was a kid decades ago, but still fairly small. The large majority of the homes are vacation properties that fill up on weekends and in the summer. It’s a bit more sophisticated these days- I see mention of a four screen theater! Our single screen was open on weekends only from Labor Day weekend to Memorial Day weekend when everything went full speed ahead. The local business owners, including the small hotels, inns, restaurants etc, made about 90% of their annual income during the summer. It’s a forest fire area and when I was growing up there were a couple of huge forest fires that were close enough to close the mountain from non- residents during the summer season, which was financially devastating for the small businesses. One of those got close enough to burn 350 homes in one of the small communities near my home, where a lot of full- time people live. My friends and I drove through that neighborhood a couple of years later - foundations and chimneys and rebuilding only starting. It takes a long time to get through the insurance hassles to rebuild. So sad. I guess your area experience ps this with flooding. Every year I read the forest fire stories out west with so much sadness for the people who make the mountains and forests their home. The lakefront homes are very expensive so mostly owned by wealthy people from “down the hill” (LA and SD) . Most all- year residents are scattered farther from the lake - more affordable.
I moved away from my small SW Wisconsin home town in 1962. Periodically Greg and I visit family in Dubuque, IA, and I always visit (1) the town and (2) the rural Catholic cemetery. The town has almost doubled in size but I can still remember who lived where in the old parts. The houses I was raised in are still there. The cemetery contains all of my grandparents, aunts and uncles and many cousins, as well as people I knew when I was growing up. Going "home" is almost like a family reunion.
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