So yesterday the parish had a celebration honoring my husband's 25th anniversary of ordination to the permanent diaconate. The actual anniversary was October 1. I was kind of dreading it, since I'm not any good at big deals. But I didn't have to do anything, and Kelly really enjoyed it. It's scary how fast 25 years can go by.
It was very nice. They served burgers and brats after the 11:00 Mass. And cake. You can't have a party without cake, and this one was very good. I think the school kids probably got the rest of it for dessert in the cafeteria today.
A lot of people came, including some deacons from other towns. Since the year 2000 when Kelly was ordained, the formation program has changed about four times. When we went through it there was a lot of peer involvement, and a sense of the ones already ordained walking with the ones in formation. Later it changed to a much more academic program, with papers and grades. For a while a college degree was required. They backed off of that a bit, but an associate degree may still be required. It is perhaps less academic now? I don't know, since I haven't kept up with the process. At first there was a rural and an urban program, and also a Spanish language one. Now it is all one. Which is probably a good thing. But the deacons and wives who came to the party were the rural ones who knew us; that group has stuck together. We're all getting a little long in the tooth. The ones starting out now are younger than we were. They have to be at least 35 by ordination, but most of us were in our 50s when we started formation. The process used to be three years, now it is four.
One difference now is that the wives are encouraged to attend the classes. When we started out, the wives were required to attend, and it was a deal breaker if they didn't. I would much rather be encouraged than required! It is still the case that the wives have to be on board with their husbands entering the diaconate in order for it to happen.
Our sons were able to come out for the celebration, and it was good to see them. They good naturedly put up with the old ladies from the parish telling them how much they looked like their dad. (The boys are 47 and 51 years old, respectively). People said some nice things. All in all it was a good day.
Congratulations to your husband, Katherine, and kudos to you for your support through the years. It’s a great thing to do but it’s time and work, too. You both deserved the celebration, I’m sure.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations. The local deacon here is a very nice guy, and has been a good counselor to Raber.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like quite a demand on the wives' time given that they will not actually be doing the job. Are there expectations for deacons' wives to serve in certain capacities?
The two Catholic deacons in the local parish have both been widowers. The first guy got a dispensation from his vows so he could get married again. The scuttlebutt was that he had early onset dementia, so maybe the bishop felt he had done his bit.
Of course deacons have certain duties, but with the wives it pretty much depends on the individual. The other deacon's wife in the parish is an organizer. She is very good at figuring out schedules, for servers, EMHC's, lectors, that kind of thing. That is not me; I am doing well to get my own ducks in a row, let alone anyone else's. My thing is music ministry, which it pretty much always has been. I am an EMHC too, just show up when I'm supposed to. I am feeling somewhat guilty for spending thirty years avoiding Sodality meetings, since they helped put on the nice party. All the women are de facto members, and I am always willing to bring food to whatever it is needed for, or anything else that is needed. I just haven't gone to meetings (reason being, if you show up for the meetings, 100% you are going to end up being an officer at some point. I am totally shirking that.)
DeleteRaber was interested in the diaconate for awhile but discouraged. Looking back was probably bc I was a very unenthusiastic convert.
DeleteIt is the same here with deacons' wives. They are kind of all over the map in terms of how involved they get and what they do. My wife sings in the choir, is a lector, helps set up for baptisms and is involved in our little theatre company. Those are all things she is comfortable doing and has time for; she has a day job that is full-time and also gets very busy (i.e. lots of extra hours) for the four months or so that wrap around the holiday season.
DeleteThe other deacon's wife is kind of a dynamo - currently, she is leading our Alpha group, and also runs our Human Concerns Commission (sort of an umbrella group overseeing some 15-20 "helping" ministries). She also brings communion to nursing home residents, and serves as a reader, an EM and a sacristan. She's on our Worship Commission, too. I think she does other things as well. She's retired and seemingly in good health.
I think it must be very hard at times to be a deacon's wife and in the spotlight like that. Katherine, Therese, and all the others must be commended for their faith, loyalty, energy, and ability to keep their mouths shut and their hands moving! Sounds like the Church definitely gets a two-fer with married deacons.
Delete"I think it must be very hard at times to be a deacon's wife and in the spotlight like that."
DeleteYes, completely agree.
FWIW - in my experience, deacons are appreciative of their wives' involvement, commitment and support. But we still don't always hit the bulls-eye. Here's an example that has bugged by wife for two-decades plus now: whenever a deacon is speaking publiclly to an audience of deacon couples (as when members of our diocesan diaconate council speak with the deacon couple community), it's common for the speaker to acknowledge the love and support of his wife. Almost invariably, the deacon uses the cliche term "my better half" to refer to his wife. But in an outburst of fulsome praise for all that love and support, he'll try to give her extra credit points by referring to her as "my better 2/3" or "my better 3/4". He's trying to say, "My wife is a better person than I am." But whenver she hears something like that, my wife rolls her eyes (and occasionally punches me in the arm) whenever she hears that (she's not corporally punishing me because I'm the one using those terms; I learned long ago not to; but I'm held accountable for the sins of my brethren). I think she finds it patronizing, and also may think it implies that the wife has a weight issue.
I think "my better half" has been used in too many situations to mean the opposite of its face value, ex, "My better half forgot to pick up the kids from day care."
Delete"Better half" is only slightly better than "the ball and chain" or, my dad's favorite, "the old skate."
The Knights of Columbus here expect wives to be on board with all their activities and refer to them as their "ladies." As in "Bill McDonald and his lady, Sally."
I told Raber that he could the Knights only if a) I could be referred to as "his lady, Guenevere" or b) I was dead.
The Knights had a drive for the mentally impaired last week, and we were happy to have a small windfall to throw at that. But no thanks to the outfits, swords, and expensive dues.
"My better 3/4." God help us.
DeleteI'd join the Knights if they replace swords with crossbows or at least have the option. The crossbow will make a great post-apocalyptic personal weapon. Gotta love that "thunk" sound.
DeleteIt sounds like a lovely celebration. Congratulations to Kelly, and to you too. You went through the whole program too, which is support above and beyond! My dear friend who now has Alzheimer’s taught in the diaconate program for years. She said that if the wives weren’t honestly supportive that generally the deacon candidate wouldn’t make it through to the end. You deserve a lot of credit too!
ReplyDeleteThank you Anne!
DeleteI hope your husband is doing better and you can go home soon. It is so hard when a health emergency happens far from home.
I didn't have a problem with the requirements the archdiocese laid out. What I did have a problem with during formation were some of the expectations from some other women in the deacon community who thought I ought to be more in a "church lady" mold. Things like, show up early for class, and make coffee! I didn't even know how to make coffee in a big urn. We aren't much of coffee drinkers, we just stir up some instant if we want it. Other things as well. But that is a long time in the rear view mirror.
Katherine, what a really nice message. When I read it, it made me feel a little happier. Congratulations to your husband and to you.
ReplyDeleteI hope this thought doesn't seem inappropriate in any way, but I see a parallel with deacons and nurse practitioners. In my earlier life, while I had heard of both, I never encountered either. Now they're everywhere!
Thanks David!
DeleteA parallel with deacons and nurse practitioners doesn't seem at all inappropriate. Or PAs either, they do similar things. We have a niece who is a PA.
Congratulations to Kelly and to you, Katherine! What a wonderful celebration. I don't think I've ever seen our parish mark milestones like that with a big party. At a diocesan level, they do have a "do" every year for the deacon couples who reach their 25th ordination anniversary. The newest ordination class is invited, too.
ReplyDeleteI've been ordained 21 years now, so my 25th is a few years off. I was 43 when I was ordained. I wasn't the youngest in my class (or "cohort" as they now refer to ordination classes), but I was at the younger end. There were five babies born among our classmates (including our youngest) during our formation years.
Our formation program has changed over the years, too. When Therese and I were in it, it was called the Diaconate Formation Program. Our coursework was pass/fail. Then at some point they became the Institute of Diaconate Formation (or something like that). It became more academically rigorous; grades were assigned. Now it's the Diaconate Formation Program again. I'm a little foggy as to whether a college degree ever has been required. I hope not; some good guys/couples would be getting passed over if that's the case. It may have been required during the Institute days. At the same time, I do believe the candidate has to be able to do some college-level work.
Thanks, Jim.
DeleteYeah it seems like they're still figuring out what deacon formation should be like. It's kind of a push/pull between seminary type academic study and a reality check with what deacons actually do and who they minister to. I suppose to an extent it needs to be some of both.