See if you can reconcile these two approaches.
Here is the church's idea of what a funeral is all about. From the General Introduction to the Order of Christian Funerals:
Christians celebrate the funeral rites to offer worship, praise, and thanksgiving to God for the gift of a life which has now been returned to God, the author of life and the hope of the just...the Church through its funeral rites commends the dead to God's merciful love and pleads for the forgiveness of their sins...The celebration of the Christian funeral brings hope and consolation to the living. While proclaiming the Gospel of Jesus Christ and witnessing to Christian hope in the resurrection, the funeral rites also recall to all who take part in them God's mercy and judgment and meet the human need to turn always to God in times of crisis. (nos. 5-7)
And then there is this, from our local suburban newspaper:
Robert Justen, owner of Justen Funeral Home, sees a liquor license as a way to give mourning families the kind of send-off they want for their loved ones. He approached the McHenry City Council in November seeking a liquor license.
"With the growing shift to cremation as (the) method of disposition, we have more and more families wanting to have a celebration of life, ... a short service not necessarily religious but mainly a gathering with some beer and wine and appetizers," Justen wrote on his liquor license application...
Justen said he has many families who just get the minimum cremation services and then take the cremated remains to another venue for the life celebration. That, he said, does not help support his business...
Families bringing a bottle of alcohol to toast their loved one isn't unusual, said Jack Davenport of Davenport Family Funeral Home and Crematory in Crystal Lake.
Both Davenport and Justen said it is not uncommon for families to do a little "tailgating" in the parking lot, doing shots or having a drink to remember their loved one.
What they don't always know is how much those mourners consume.
When families decide to drink in the parking lot, "grief and violence sometimes intermingle" and his staff might have to call police if someone walks into a service drunk, Justen said...
Celebrations of life have become a more-used term for a memorial service as more people are being cremated, Davenport said...
The trend toward cremation and celebrations of life was something Kit Columb saw in school and among her peers. She is an apprentice funeral director with Saunders Funeral Home, with locations in Harvard and Woodstock.
"It is similar to planning a wedding or an anniversary party. That is more what people want to do now. They don't want to dress in black and listen to prayers. They want pictures and music, to have a meal and celebrate that way," Columb said.
When loved ones are cremated, it does not matter if the celebration is held the same week as the death or a few weeks or months later, Justen said...
It isn't uncommon for him to receive calls from people who have found an urn with the funeral home's name on it and not know who is in the urn. He takes them in, and eventually those unclaimed remains go into a cemetery grave plot, Justen said.
There are more options for families who choose cremation other than just put them in an urn and leave them on a shelf, Justen said. They can be made into stones, added to blown glass or put in the root ball of a sapling so they become part of the root system for the tree.
"We have always tailored our services to meet the family needs," Davenport said. "But funerals are for the living ... and starting the process to healing."
I don't usually care for the pursed-lipped finger-wagging moralizers, and I try not to be one. But...something is askew here. First of all, treating grief with alcohol isn't something I'd advocate. Second, I can't help but feel that these trends are missing the point.
The church offers ritual as a way to pray for the deceased and to offer comfort to the living. Those of us who do funerals know that ritual "works": people really do find themselves eased and comforted by it, even when they are not regular church-goers.
Maybe I am reading too much into what is presented here, but it seems to me that people are avoiding ritual...and then inventing substitute rituals. I don't know how many folks realize this, but the church's funeral rites are actually a proclamation of faith in the resurrection. But for whatever reasons, people think they don't want that. So then they work the ashes into the root ball of a sapling, which is sort of a different statement of faith in resurrection...sort of. Of a certain type. Kind of.
Undertakers always seemed a little weird to me. But they make money. I guess this capitalist undertaker is trying to make up for the losses due to people not buying caskets and eschewing ceremony . My funeral will be more or less traditional but I don't want the casket. Natural burial if I can get it. Being preserved like Stalin, no thanks. I really don't dig cremation either, having read "Travels with My Aunt". Burial will follow, cremation or not.
ReplyDeleteThere is a local priest who always thanks the funeral home people for carrying out one of the corporal works of mercy. And recalls that Joseph of Arimathea is the patron of morticians.
DeleteA lot of small town morticians have a side gig to carry them over when business is slow. It's funny how many of them had a furniture store. Nowadays they are tech savvy. During the pandemic a lot of funerals were live-streamed and recorded. Since the morticians had the equipment and the know-how, many parishes enlisted their help for livestreaming their services.
My husband has gotten to know all the local morticians in the course of assisting with funerals and vigils. Deacons can also do the graveside committal rites if the priest can't go for some reason.
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DeleteThey have furniture stores because casket companies owned by funeral homes expanded into furniture.
DeleteI figured there was some connection like that. Of course nowadays the small town local furniture stores are a dying breed. Everyone goes to the big ones in the city (check out Nebraska Furniture Mart) which also make deliveries out here in the stix.
DeleteI could go with natural burial like Stanley mentioned. But I just have a visceral negative reaction to the latest thing, "composting" burial. It requires way too much attention to the rotting process, and something has to be done with the bones. If you're going to do that just do cremation. Which I'm also not going to do.
DeleteDave's brother donated his wife's body to science. I suspect that was partially to save funeral costs. The med school charges nothing to pick up, store, and eventually cremate the body. There was a funeral sans body at the church. I think they will return "cremains" back to you within 2 years if you request it. Otherwise, the med school has a columbarium with names on they throw everyone's ashes in willy-nilly. He has made it clear he doesn't want to discuss it.
DeleteWhat about an Irish Wake?
ReplyDeleteIf I hadn't just looked it up, I would have said Catholics may not be cremated. However, it appears the prohibition was lifted in 1963. Still, ashes may not be scattered or kept at home. They must be stored in a "sacred" place or buried the in the same manner as a body.
Hey David, thanks for citing that Lewis book - I'm not familiar with it. Looks like a trip to the library is in order...
ReplyDeleteFWIW, two or three times, friends have reached out to me, asking me to come to a funeral home and lead some prayers for a loved one who has passed away. That's already "out of process"; in the normal course of things (or, I guess, what would be normal if the world ran as I wish it would), it would be the parish reaching out to me, not the bereaved family members or friends directly. But of course I tell the friend I would be honored to do so. I show up at the funeral home with my Order of Christian Funerals book. The prescribed service at the funeral home is a rather brief ceremony called the Vigil for the Deceased. Its intention is to complement the "main event", which would be the funeral liturgy in church. But as I chat with my friend about what the family wishes, it turns out that what they really want is the funeral liturgy, right there in the funeral home. So that is what I do - more or less. (Cardinal Cupich, cover your eyes!)
ReplyDeleteI know I'm coming off as judgy here, and I guess to some extent I am being judgmental. I admit it: I think it would be better if they'd have a more traditional funeral in the church. But I do recognize there could be any number of reasons a family would wish not to have a funeral in church. E.g. the family may not really be practicing Christians; the family may belong to a variety of denominations; some members of the family may have bad experiences with the church; etc. Similarly, engaged couples can come up with any number of reasons not to have a church wedding, and of course many divorced people can think of reasons not to get a previous marriage annulled. But as I say in the post, I really think they're missing out. I wish they would give the church way a try - not so much for the church's sake, but for their own sakes.
Jim, do most families in your experience ask for a rosary for the vigil service? Here that is the most common thing, but some will ask for a Scripture service (readings are included anyway as a lead-up to the rosary). Lately there have been a few who asked for the Chaplet of Divine Mercy. A version set to music is used, and it is very calming and peaceful.
DeleteSome of the readings families select for a funeral are a bit puzzling. For instance the last two funerals my choir has sung for chose the crucifixion narrative with the good thief. And one of them had a rather frightful reading from Revelation. All of which are certainly acceptable. But personally I'd be aiming for more comforting and consoling.
"I wish they would give the church way a try - not so much for the church's sake, but for their own sakes." Jim, I agree with that. I think the saddest thing is when people do just...nothing. Usually if that happens the person had left no instructions to survivors. If they weren't religious they may not see the need for any kind of service. But the deceased lived; they had friends and maybe family. Their life mattered, because every life does. We notice and celebrate birth, death deserves more than just crickets.
DeleteReply
Dave's work friend died recently. They had no service for her. Her daughter said their family found funerals "morbid and creepy" and anyway they didn't have the money for one. I think my mom's, with direct cremation and urn, funeral home rental for memorial service, obit publication, and burial was about $1,500. So even no-frills is expensive for poor people. I often see "in lieu of flowers, the family requests donations for funeral expenses" in obits here.
DeleteI suppose a Christian thing to do might be to provide assistance for people who need help with burial costs.
Jim's hinkiness about going off-road with services for the nones and nons is one of the reasons I told Raber not to expect any Catholics to help him out when I croak. A cousin who is a Presbyterian minister said she would do the graveside service. So I have her all lined up for him. Hopefully he will not embarrass himself by approaching the local parish and getting turned down.
DeleteI’ve never seen a death notice or obituary that said “in lieu of flowers please donate to funeral expenses”. The usual is “ in lieu of flowers” please donate to Charity XYZ or to a charity of your choice”.
DeleteHowever requests for donations to honeymoon expenses have become fairly common - unfortunately.
You probably don't see that because you don't live around poor people, Anne.
DeleteProbably true, Jean. Not many poor people in my suburban community. Several DC area counties are in the top 20 nationally for wealth. Most of the others on the wealthiest lists are in the San Francisco and New York suburban areas.
DeleteWhile funerals might be for the family and friends, I have strong feelings too - I don’t want to contribute any more than necessary to the profit-driven funeral industry. My first choice is a natural burial at Holy Cross Abbey in Berryville, VA. No embalming, vaults or caskets required. No obituary or death notice. Close family and friends only - those named on a list that will be with other funeral documents. . Prayers, a priest ( probably EC), perhaps a soloist, a luncheon afterwards.
Check your local laws carefully!
DeleteIn Michigan, for instance, you have to be buried within 48 hours or embalming is required.
Funeral homes can also refuse to transport you if you are not embalmed. You may need to invite someone with a station wagon if the funeral home declines to.
You also have to be cremated immediately or embalmed if you die of a communicable disease.
You can see the mortician's lobby has been busy here!
Maryland does not require embalming. Nor does it require caskets for cremation. Refrigeration until transportation for burial is acceptable. The Abbey is about an hour from our town. So the remains could be transported without too much problem. A station wagon or mini- van would be fine. If necessary I’ll tell my family to call a Jewish funeral home to transport the body. They seem always to be ready on short notice. If we move to California then I will have to locate a new final resting place. There are several there that offer natural burials and more are added all the time. If I die of a communicable disease and cremation is legally mandated, so be it. Otherwise no cremation for me.
DeleteRe: Irish Wake: yeah, it's pretty customary in any case to invite people to a lunch after the funeral and burial. I guess the funeral director is trying to "capture revenue" that otherwise would go to a restaurant. As I mentioned, I think there is wisdom in dispensing with the alcohol until after the ceremonies. And of course what I'm really advocating for here is not skipping right past the ceremonies, because I think they have value in their own right.
ReplyDeleteFrom CS Lewis, quoted by David: "Unless, of course, you can literally believe all that stuff about family reunions 'on the further shore', pictured in entirely earthly terms. But that is all unscriptural, all out of bad hymns and lithographs. There's not a word of it in the Bible. And it rings false."
ReplyDeleteThat's right. And I'd add: it's not only the Bible that doesn't contain a word of it; the set of rituals the Church offers doesn't say any of that stuff, either. I think those comforting but baseless hopes and beliefs about 'being reunited on the other side' are more likely to thrive in the absence of the church's ritual.
Couple observations:
ReplyDelete1. Funeral directors are in biz for $$ and will happily fall in with plans that are legalistic or in bad taste to get the cha-ching.
2. Getting people to see any benefit in the expense of a church funeral is the church's job, not the job of the funeral homes.
3. If you think booze, and lots of it, isn't part of a funeral, you don't know any Irish people.
4. Raber will have a Catholic funeral with all the trimmings. What is the point of a Catholic funeral for non-Catholics? Or a Christian burial for the nones?
5. Non-believers are often at sea when it comes to saying goodbye to their beloved dead. Has happened several times in the past 10 years as people are dying off in my own family. I did do-it-yourself funerals and graveside services for my parents and uncle. My cousin Steve was given a farewell party. There was a wake for my cousin Phil in his favorite bar. My cousin Chuck's funeral was at the funeral home, an uneasy compromise between his Lutheran Mom and Catholic wife. I have my burial service written out so that all Raber or his designee has to do is read it and fill in the hole. If he decides to do something else, well, I tried to make it cheap and quick.
6. Christian clergy with a little empathy and imagination could work with funeral homes to make themselves available to help unchurched families plan something dignified. Isn't burying the dead one of the corporal acts of Mercy? Might this be outreach?
7. Hauling a cosmetized and embalmed body in a casket from the funeral home to the Church to the cemetery is very expensive. Adding a day of viewing adds further cost. Many people are burdened with medical bills from a final illness and need to use the insurance money for that instead of a three-day funeral.
The wildest funeral story I have heard was one from a couple of years back. A couple of choir friends had a relative die during the pandemic. The person wasn't Catholic and the funeral was in a park in Lincoln. There was apparently a mix-up about times and the space was double booked with someone's big party. Heated arguments ensued about who had the right to the time and space. Threats and perhaps blows were exchange, and the cops were called. Fortunately that doesn't happen often at funerals!
DeleteThat's a very sad story, imo.
DeleteAnd the even sadder part is that the deceased person was relatively young but was an anti-vaxxer (by this time the vaccines were available) and she died of Covid, leaving a husband and kids.
DeleteI try to cut people a lot of slack, but I didn't attend Phil's funeral. He died of the covid, and having his funeral in the bar with the people he probably caught it from or gave it to seemed like an idiot move.
DeleteIs Phil a relative?
DeleteCousin.
DeleteThanks for the legal prompt. I need to find out if some kind of permit is needed to transport bodies for burial across state lines, since the Abbey is in Virginia.
Delete"What is the point of a Catholic funeral for non-Catholics? Or a Christian burial for the nones?"
DeleteThe same two primary reasons apply as would apply for a deceased Catholic: to pray for the person who has died (but whose existence hasn't ended); and to provide a way for the survivors to be comforted and express their faith.
Anne, it's a really good idea to talk to several different funeral homes, get info, pick one you like, and file your preferences with them. You have to prepay, just tell your family where your preferences are on file and which funeral home should pick up your body from home or hospital.
DeleteSorry, my bad, you do NOT have to prepay to file your preferences.
DeleteA couple of days ago was the feast day of Ambrose of Milan. Years ago I clipped this prayer that he wrote out of a parish bulletin. I love the thoughts and hope expressed:
ReplyDelete" Lord God, we can hope for others nothing better than the happiness we desire for ourselves. Therefore, I pray you, do not separate me after death from those I have tenderly loved on earth. Grant that where I am they may be with me, and that I may enjoy their presence in heaven after being so often deprived of it on earth. Lord God, I ask you to receive your beloved children immediately into your life-giving heart. After this brief life on earth, give them eternal happiness. "
Of course I realize that there are troubled relationships in which some people may NOT wish to see each other in eternity. But I have to believe that God can help that stuff get sorted out; it might be part of purgatory.
DeleteJean is right - see #3. Funeral arrangements, like weddings, should be done according to the wishes of the deceased if there was pre-planning, or those of the nearest and dearest, just as weddings should be what the bride and groom want.
ReplyDeleteI have been mostly to Catholic funeral masses held in churches, sometimes followed by graveside prayers led by a priest.,They were followed by some kind of social event - a luncheon or reception or whatever, in a restaurant, with food and wine/beer, sometimes followed by a smaller gathering in the home. The Protestant family members on my husband’s side also had church services followed by a reception. One exception- one was at a funeral home where the cremation would take place, conducted by the Catholic priest who visited my husband’s not-Catholic aunt as chaplain in the hospital where she died. She had liked him a lot so her daughter asked the priest if he would conduct a brief prayer service for her mother, with only family there. He joined us at the luncheon - which was at a pizza restaurant! I have attended a couple of Jewish funerals. They were graveside services in a local Jewish cemetery, followed by home receptions (with wine) where the rabbi read all of the prayers and texts from the scriptures. Cremation is strongly discouraged. There are no funeral services in the temple, and no music or flowers. We were given prayer sheets so that we could follow the scripture readings, and prayers, and respond. The Mourner’s Kaddish is traditional. The prayer never alludes to death though. Jews “sit” shiva for 8 days. During the Shiva period the friends and extended family visit. Generally friends and neighbors provide food for the eight days of visitation. I have always brought food when visiting during Shiva. Jews must be buried quickly - no embalming. Our Jewish friends find the notion of an open casket to be somewhat horrifying. Ideally burial is within 24 hours. The funeral is only delayed if the person dies on the eve of the sabbath. When that happens the burial is on Sunday. Another Jewish funeral we attended was a ZOOM service (in Dec 2020) because of Covid. The rabbi conducted the entire service online, with the prayers shown in both English and Hebrew.
I’ve never attended a purely secular funeral. Like Stanley, I want a natural burial and am providing information on that in the estate documents. But I think I need to make my intentions known beforehand because otherwise someone might allow my body to be whisked off to a funeral home and embalmed. I attended two Catholic funeral masses with a full casket present where the caskets were taken from the church and sent to a crematorium while the mourners attended a reception.
I think the funeral is for the survivors with a nod to the beliefs of the deceased. A Catholic funeral for my parents would have been a travesty given their well-known anti-Catholic views, and caused hard feelings with other family members. My brother wanted no service for them, but I really couldn't just throw them in a hole. So we had to compromise. Nothing says Raber and I can't offer prayers for the repose of their souls. And we do.
DeleteI presume Jim's views about traditional funerals pretty much refer to Catholic funerals for all-Catholic families.
ReplyDeleteCurious about what the response would be if a non-Catholic out of the blue asked a Catholic priest or deacon to "do something" for an unchurched person who had died.
They could do a service at a funeral home without a Mass. I think it would most likely be with Scripture readings and a short homily. Sometimes a family member would read a eulogy.
DeleteMy husband was asked to do a graveside service for a cousin whose remains had been cremated several months earlier. He prepared some readings and prayers and a short homily. But Mother Nature had other plans with a 30 mph wind which blew his notes all over the cemetery. He winged it and did the best he could, and the group retired to the luncheon for reminiscing and catching up.
Jean, sac Katherine mentioned, that is what happened when my husband’s aunt died, as mentioned above. She was 92, had gotten to know and like the Catholic chaplain at the hospital, so her unchurched only child asked him to conduct a short prayer service at the funeral home. He did even though they weren’t Catholic. I suspect my husband’s cousin really didn’t know what to do since she doesn’t go to church. I believe she’s agnostic. Her mom had been an active Methodist Church lady before she moved from her home to live with her daughter. I guess she didn’t go to church after the move, so a Catholic priest was asked to do the service.
Delete"Curious about what the response would be if a non-Catholic out of the blue asked a Catholic priest or deacon to "do something" for an unchurched person who had died."
DeleteJust speaking for myself: I'd try to work with them. I'd encourage them to let us adapt the church's rite (which has some flexibility built into it already, as when the deceased is an unbaptized person).
And yet CS Lewis did write about having some eerie experiences after his wife's death in which he was conscious of her presence. She seemed to project a message of well-being, which was comforting because she had fought cancer for a long time.
ReplyDeleteEating and drinking after the funeral took place at all funerals when I was a child, both Catholic and Protestant. Funerals were well attended preceded by several days of viewing.
ReplyDeleteMy mom hated it all. The instructions for her funeral and that of dad were very simple. Viewing only for the family and very close friends for a few hours the evening before the burial. People could come to the public Funeral Mass. No eating and drinking afterwards. (I think we had a small family gathering of closest relatives.)
For both funerals I was the chief liturgist in the sense of crafting the rites to bury my parents.
For my mother’s funeral I chose readings and I brought a tape recorder with music. The conservative priest was initially surprised at what I was doing but ended up appreciating it since they did not have any music for their funerals. My parish was the smallest in the diocese.
For my father’s funeral, I decided to do the same thing only better since he was dying of cancer.
Dad was spiritual but not religious. He almost never went to church, but he was very happy that Mom and I did. One of the few times he went to church was on Mother’s Day. When he decided not to get an operation for his cancer, he simply said that he had prayed to Mom every night since her death and was now readily to join her. Dad’s spirituality was much like that of the desert fathers. He went about his work in a very simple spiritual way. He was always hospitable to others like the desert monks. He was a meat and potatoes man in both food and spirituality. He would eat dessert and understood why others liked it. Religion was like dessert something that was ok but not really essential.
For his funeral, I composed service books which had all the hymns and readings plus pictures from my family collection. I decided to use it for the “family viewing” as a service of the word with my commentary (homily) on my choices of readings, music and pictures.
It was good that I did that since the new pastor of the parish refused my recorded music and service. I offer him a bribe of a thousand dollars to do it my way, but he still refused so I let him and his music person do whatever they wanted.
The wake liturgy was actually a thanksgiving liturgy for the end of my family of origin. The prayers of the faithful are written in the style of the prayers at Morning and Evening Prayer. It is in some ways a Trinitarian Eucharistic Prayer without the woods of institution. It has three sections each with a different response.
This service which failed to make it into the Mass actually got a much better use besides for the wake. My father died in a new hospice, a very beautiful and peaceful place. Dad was no longer able to communicate; we kept communion simply by holding his hand. The rest of the family had gone home for lunch. I was eating lunch in the very beautiful family room of the hospice. The attendant interrupted me; I knew that meant Dad had died.
I had brought the wake service books to share with my family. After a few minutes alone in Dad’s room I went out to the Desk and invited the attendants to join me in praying the Thanksgiving Prayer. I gave them booklets, indicating the responses if they wanted to join in.
I felt totally at ease in praying the Thanksgiving Prayer; my family of origin’s mission had been completed and I was free to do whatever the Spirit wanted. I was the only one who was not crying. The attendants really appreciated the prayer since as often happens they had only gotten to know Dad briefly.
Your service book sounds lovely, Jack. I had a nice photo of my mother next to her urn at the funeral, and my brother put together a slide show of photos of her and dad for the visitation that played on a loop. But having their photos on the Order of Service cards would have been nice. Your thought about your family of origins mission being completed is moving.
DeleteAlthough I am eighty, I have not done much planning for my funeral; I assume I will live the statistical average of another eight or nine years. There is a burial plot for me next to my parents. However, the family just buried the last of my parent's generation so there is really not much reason to have a funeral Mass back there. I may end up having myself cremated and the ashes buried in the plot.
ReplyDeleteGiven the experience with my father’s funeral Mass, I have no desire to participate in the planning of my own funeral; I won’t be here anyway. Betty and/or whoever is around can do whatever they want.
The Liturgical center of my life is in the Divine Office. I like to compose Services of Lessons and Carols. I will probably suggest people use one of these for the wake. I may compose another Prayer of Thanksgiving for its ending or suggest they use the one from my father’s wake.
My friend and fellow G-worker Charlie was pretty much a deist. After he died from pancreatic cancer, his brother got some preacher guy to pray and say a few words at the funeral home. His brother also asked me to deliver the eulogy, so I did.
ReplyDeleteWhen a guy from the dance group died, raised Catholic but probably not practicing, my pastor came to the funeral home and said some prayers as requested.
My friend John had nothing because he asked for nothing and basically no longer believed anything.
My cousin Bill was the same and had his ashes scattered somewhere. There was a gathering and his niece, one of my goddaughters thought it was awful.
One couple who were dancing students lost the husband at 42 to colon cancer. They belonged to a standalone evangelical Church and the minister at the funeral had a big smile on his face and everything was great. His wife had a big smile the whole time which seemed a bit manic to me.
All in all, I find the mainstream church funerals easiest to take and most comforting. So, I'm with you on that, Jim. I'd rather the celebration of life stuff not get too crazy. Death sucks no matter what you believe and I want permission to be sad. Actually, I think good old-fashioned outright bawling should be ok.
"Death sucks no matter what you believe and I want permission to be sad." Totally agree with that, Stanley. There shouldn't be any pressure on survivors to bright-side things.
DeleteAmericans really have never had a distinctively American way of death and grief (pace Jessica Mitford) because we live in a very religiously diverse country.
DeleteIn my family and Raber's, it is extremely important that you never "give way" to grief in public, and funerals are arranged to prevent any crying or "carrying on."
The rote nature of mainstream Christian funerals--and especially Catholic funeral Masses that make no direct reference to the deceased, make that fairly easy.
Comforting? Occasionally there are nice moments at funerals. Probably the best example was Dave's mother. The minister chatted with us ahead of the service, and I mentioned how much Shirley enjoyed knitting for the church's various "keep a kid warm" projects. During his sermon, he said, "Shirley is with God, and they can now look out together and see every child who ever got her hats and mittens."
I confess I did a lot of blinking at that. My notion of God is not that personal, interested, or nice.
The Boy has always been pretty openly emotional with grief and affection. He still wants to hug us goodbye, something I rarely did with my parents and Raber never. I am glad that our being fairly buttoned up emotionally did not seem to stunt him.
I'm not actually much of a crier. I cried at the moment of my father's and mother's death but not afterward. At my dance friend Judy's funeral, one of her guy friends was choking up as he spoke with me. I thought to myself that I wished I could do that. I guess I have mastered the art of numbness.
DeleteI learned to step aside from my emotions. It's a very dubious skill. I don't cry when I am supposed to and sometimes do cry when I'm not supposed to. They say that tears are a gift of the Holy Spirit. When they happen at the right time I think that's true.
DeleteBut sometimes they're like the leak in the roof that comes out in a weird place and you still have to figure where the leak actually is.
I cry a lot for lots of reasons. I sometimes cry at weddings, I cried at the college graduations of my own kids, I cry occasionally at funerals, but mostly cry when I hear of the death. I have had tears roll down my face during mass when singing "Be Not Afraid". I cry when Yul Brynner dies every time I see The King and I. (We see mostly old movies). I have even cried from sheer frustration in business meetings (Yes - in business meetings. That's simply not done! I once resigned after doing that and my client/boss refused to accept it.) I hate shopping so much that I once sat in my car for 10 minutes in the mall parking lot crying - before going in to shop for Christmas presents. I cried on and off all day when my grand-dog in California was going to be put to sleep. I cried on Nov 9, 2016 when I woke up at 3 am and remembered that trump had won. I had NEVER come anywhere close to crying because of an election until then. But I had never been afraid for our country after previous elections. I cry when I read sad stories in the news. I cry at some songs.
ReplyDeleteLes Miserables is my favorite musical play. I've listened to the soundtrack of the play countless times, sang the entire soundtrack with one of my sons - twice -when driving across country. (It's a long drive and singing keeps you awake!) I've watched our DVD of Les Mis performed on stages all around the world I don't know how many times. And I STILL cry at the Epilogue when Jean ValJean is dying and reaches the phrase "To love another person is to touch the face of God".
My husband's descended-from-the-Puritans family are all stiff upper lip, don't wear your emotions on your sleeve,including my husband. But I am definitely not cut from New England Puritan cloth! Irish Catholics are not quite the same. I definitely DO wear my emotions on my sleeve. I've given up trying to be cool and collected.
Link to Epilogue with lyrics in Les Mis.
https://youtu.be/wp35urQpWQs