We will celebrate our 50th in December. I believe that Jimmy Mac and his husband have also been together 50 years this year. Happy anniversary to all of us!
Katherine, you and your husband look so young! Just kids. I was 25 and my husband was 32 when we married. But we look pretty young too in our wedding photos. The years have gone by so very fast. And I only considered divorce twice. :)
By the way, Katherine, I like your husband's taste in glasses. Just like mine at the time. Had to stick with that until they invented high index plastic aspheric lenses. And then my eyesight improved anyway.
My own parents didn't make it to 50, Mom passed away the year it would have been 49. So we need to be thankful that our health has held out reasonably well this long.
Your parents were blessed. My parents separated after about 25 years of marriage and divorced a few years after that.
Yes, Jean, congratulations on your 38 years. I will pray that you make 50 - in spite of the health issues.
Our very dear friend of 25 years has been dying by inches from MS for 30 years. He was in and out of the hospital more times than I can count, and totally bedridden for the last 5 years. It finally took his ability to breathe on his own. He turned down the ventilator because he would never be able to get off it. He preferred to let nature take its course. After they removed the full- face 100% oxygen mask he died peacefully after just a few hours on the more limited oxygen provided through his nose.
He and his wife have been married 40 years, and MS totally dominated their lives for the last 25. She worked full time from home for the last several years, continued to help her now adult sons, including putting on two weddings because neither of the brides’ families could help financially, and took care of her husband with incredible devotion, changing his diapers and feeding him for the last few years. He was a very devout Catholic, and his faith sustained him. The funeral was yesterday and I must admit that it provided comfort to his family and friends. It was in the church where we were married almost 50 years ago, where we were members for 30 years. It was nice to be there again. But I can’t go back to the RCC, and I could see from the bulletin that even if I did go back, it isn’t the same parish it was. Vatican II has been forgotten in favor of EWTN/Scott Hahn/Catholic/fundamentalist protestantism.
The big tent Catholic Church I knew seems to have turned into a pup tent for “authentic” Catholics.
Anne, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. Sounds like things have certainly been challenging for him and his wife for a lot of years, Glad the funeral was able to provide some comfort for family and friends.
Two July weddings here. Ours was right before Christmas, on Beethoven’s birthday. The reception was at my sister’s house. My mom had no money to pay for a wedding and neither did I. I also wore my sister’s wedding gown (my dad was still around for hers, walked her down the aisle, and paid the bills). My closest brother, who died at 47, walked me down the aisle. The house was beautiful, decorated for Christmas, with a beautiful tree and lots of poinsettias. We used them in the church and then brought them back to her home. The pastor had told my husband he could receive communion too. Our wedding and reception were somewhat atypical and quite wonderful. The pastoral priest lived up to his title of pastor, not making my husband feel that he was part of the great unwashed, unworthy christians - a Protestant! - welcoming him as Jesus would have.
When a young person tells me that she and her fiancé, with whom she lives, can’t afford to get married yet because they have to save many thousands of $ first, I try to tell them that a perfectly wonderful wedding can take place for a tiny fraction of what most young couples spend these days.
Ours wasn't an expensive wedding, either. Yes it is quite possible to have a lovely wedding without putting the family in the poor house! The priest who married us was subbing for our pastor, who was on vacation. The first time we met him was at the rehearsal. He was quite nice, didn't have a problem with my husband's Protestant pastor being part of the ceremony. We didn't have a Mass, half of my relatives and all of his were Protestant and it would have caused a lot of awkwardness.
Anne, I'm also very sorry for your friend. From what I've seen in my own extended family, caregiving for a family member can be holy work, but it seems utterly thankless, and I've never known anyone who didn't emerge from it ground down to almost nothing.
Anne and Katherine, so excited to hear you both testifying for an affordable wedding! This topic is such a pet peeve of mine. On the comparatively rare occasions I have a wedding couple to work with, I always tell them the wedding should be thought of as the starting point, not the culmination, and it's better to save for other things in life.
When I was growing up, weddings were big family parties at the local VFW or K of C hall. I'm sure they cost just a fraction, even in real dollars, of what people blow now on their weddings, and I thought they were a blast. Buffet dinners, plenty of affordable booze. What more do you need?
We bought a cake, coffee, and picked out clothes we could wear again to job interviews. The judge did the service for free, and the university rented us the chapel for $50.
Just as we were walking down the aiske, the tornado siren went off.
Given family alcoholism, I said no booze, but Dad had a bar set up in the trunk of his Merc Grand Marquis in the parking lot. My mother invited surprise guests, brought flowers, and had a meltdown during the reception. Uncle Dick didn't want to leave as long as Dad was still making drinks , and they didn't leave until the janitors came to lock up. We had to go back the next morning to clean up the chapel. Thank God no one barfed in the bathroom.
Utter nightmare. My brother said, "Now you know why I got married in another state."
I figured that if a double dose of my family didn't scare Raber off, we might have a good chance of making it work. So far, so good.
My parents lived to celebrate their fiftieth wedding anniversary. That occurred about four years before Mom died, and at a time when both her and Dad were in good health. Dad lived another decade after her death. At least three and possibly four of Dad's siblings had marriages that lasted 50 years. One other sibling never married, the other got divorced.
Most of the people we know are long married - 40-50 years+. A few divorces.,I am one of 5 - one divorce. The rest of us married 50 years by December. My husband is one of four with three 50 year+ marriages, one divorce. Most of our friends who are in our age cohort have been married 40-60 years and only a couple of divorces when young. The second marriages for those few individuals have lasted 40+ years also.
My husband’s parents were married more than 50 years. They bickered and put one another down so much that they were hard to be around. When our kids reached about 8 or older they didn’t really want to visit their grandparents, who lived near us. We thought they might be happier separated. But they never divorced because it wasn’t acceptable in their social crowd.
Congratulations, Katherine! You both look as happy as a couple should be on their wedding day!
And congratulations Anne, Jean and Jim M!
Our 34th will be a bit later this year.
My parents are both still living, they have been married 63 years now.
I'm one of seven. All of us married. One divorce and two separations that, for whatever reason (maybe expense), never turned into divorce. One of those two separations is as final as any divorce. The other is a little more of a grey area - they had a child together, so the husband still comes around to be a father, but as far as I know, they haven't actually dwelled together in years.
There is a touch of somberness today since it is also the one year anniversary of my dad's death. But I know he is at peace, and would want us to be happy.
I’m so sorry that your two anniversaries aren’t both happy. But your dad would want you to celebrate your 50th with great joy.
Do you and your husband have some out of the ordinary special plans for today? I had no idea that reading the 50th is as rare as Jean pointed out. Definitely worth a special celebration.
Neither of us wanted to have a big party . Our kids came and spent the afternoon with us, then we went to Mass at 5:30. The intention was for our anniversary, and the priest gave a blessing before the offertory. The usual daily Mass crowd was there, plus a few friends. Afterwards we went out to eat at the nice restaurant in town. You know you have reached old age when your adult children pick up the tab!
We’ve never gone for big parties. Never did big birthday parties for “ milestone “ birthdays. Always just us and our kids. But since we don’t live near our sons and their families, we will probably fly west and gather the family somewhere there. I actually had planned to gather everyone together at a nice resort for a couple of days to celebrate my husbands 80th in 2020. He has never wanted a big splash with others, but enjoys being with our sons and their families. But 80 really does seem like a real milestone. Couldn’t do it because of Covid. I can’t believe it’s 50 years married either. Where did the time go? And I can’t believe my husband really is 81. He neither looks it nor acts it - more active than 90% of men I know who are half his age. So we might combine the birthday and anniversary. I don’t like to have the sons and wives have to work too hard for our family get togethers. We are fortunately financially able to treat the family to a nice place somewhere for a couple of days to bring us all together without people being exhausted by caring for the 7 grandkids under 8 and doing all the cooking and serving and cleaning up. So we rent two 2 bedroom condos somewhere in California so everyone has a kitchen for breakfast and snacks, but we eat dinner out somewhere that is family casual and outdoors! That way the parents don’t have to focus on having the 3 and 4 year olds observing perfect etiquette in an adult, formal restaurant. A seafood place at the beach is ideal. Usually the condo resorts have grills, so sometimes we cook out. My oldest son loves to cook so he is often willing to be chef, buy the food, and prepare it. The rest of us are on cleanup and dishes duty. We used to do this when our youngest was in Oz and making a rare trip to the US with his family on their way to Europe to visit his wife’s family. Now it’s easier to plan because they are in Colorado.
Jim caregiving for a family member can be holy work, but it seems utterly thankless, and I've never known anyone who didn't emerge from it ground down to almost nothing.
I honestly don’t know how his wife did it. Probably the most amazing example of living the vows of “ for better, for worse, in sickness and in health” that I’ve ever witnessed. Our friend - the wife of our friend with MS - is tiny. Maybe 5’ and 85 pounds. She worked too hard to ever gain an ounce.A really tough way to keep the size 2 figure. During all these last ten horribly difficult years, she always had a smile on her face and a warm welcome for friends at their home. Very different from another woman I knew years ago. We went to the same pool and our sons often played together there. She was a nurse. One day she told me that she was getting a divorce and moving away. She told me that her husband had been diagnosed with MS. As a nurse, she knew what would be coming in future years and told me that she wasn’t willing to do it. Very sad. But I honestly don’t think that I could have done what our friend did. I wouldn’t have gotten a divorce but I don’t think I would have had a smile on my face after the really hard years hit. I probably would have looked for a care home and lived with my guilt., I think the church totally misses the boat on naming saints. They always go for the priests and nuns, the virgins and martyrs. Personally I think our friend who barely left the house for years, working an executive job at her kitchen table, and caring for her husband full time too, deserves being called a saint far more than all the popes who have been canonized. There are many like her - so many true saints, never recognized officially.
Great picture but even greater is the fifty years staying together. Congratulations to Katherine and her husband and everybody else here who made it work for so long. Very admirable. Don't think I could ever have managed it.
I was intrigued by the 6% of marriages making it to 50 years. The number didn’t seem right to me simply because in my small circle of family, friends and neighbors there are many marriages of 50 + years. Actually, almost half of marriages make it to 50 years!
Yah, but at the time you get married, you have only a 6 percent chance of making it to 50 years, what with divorce rates, people marrying later, and death. That's what seemed relevant to me.
Moreover, the fastest growing divorce rates are among couples over age 50.
I have been reading about the increasing divorce rates of the over 50s for a while now. The majority of those divorces are initiated by the women. The kids are grown. One of my sisters is an elder law attorney. A good part of her work was drawing up estate plans and wills. She observed that after the death of a wife, most male clients remarried relatively quickly - within a year or two. But most of the women did not. Some of that had to do with the reality the more women live to be old than men so there are fewer potential mates. But she said that à number of the widows said they had spent decades taking care of all of the husband’s needs, from food to laundry to housekeeping, usually while having a full time job themselves. Even after retirement the men still expected their wives to do all the domestic stuff while they played golf or just watched sports on tv all the time. Some of her widow clients said that the men who showed interest in a committed relationship with them were also clearly looking for someone to cook, clean, do laundry and, of course, sleep with them. These women weren’t interested in having another man to take care of.
Marriage to me is something for the young or at least the not too old. The purpose is to provide a stable nest for the raising of children at least for that duration. If long term love emerges, that's great. I really don't see any purpose for it at my age. I've always taken care of myself adequately and when and if I need a nurse, I guess it'll be the nursing home. I'm good in the interim. At the same time, I find older men who feel the need to remarry for the reasons Anne describes, well, amusing.
Stanley, many older people remarry because they want companionship. They are lonely. You never married and obviously have learned how to thrive, even though always living alone. While many women look at husbands as one more child to take care of, fortunately most of us are married to grown up men, not spoiled men who went from a mom doing everything for them to a wife they expected to do the same. When I was young, and still single, my friends and I really didn’t trust men who were still living at home with mom, even though they had good jobs and could easily afford rent somewhere.
I've known of older people who married simply because they couldn't bear to be alone. One set of my great grandparents married when she was 16 and he was 18. She died in her 60s and he remarried within 6 months to a woman 20 years younger. That was before my memory, but it made a few waves in the family. My mom said she didn't think they had anything in common except that they were both lonely. Eventually the family members came around. I never did figure out what to call my step-great-grandmother so I just called her Laura. She was a nice lady, and brought me seashells when they took a trip to California.
If I were lonely, I'd get a dog. Getting used to other people gets a lot harder with age. If I croak, I hope Raber finds a nice Catholic lady who likes German food and does not argue about everything. That would be a nice change for him!
Stanley The purpose is to provide a stable nest for the raising of children at least for that duration.
I didn’t even know when we got married that if I had told the priest I hadn’t decided yet about having children that he might have refused to marry us in the church. I really hadn’t thought about having children as a reason to get married. I had some friends who were extremely anxious to get married and have children. I wasn’t like that. I assumed that we would have children, but the reason I married my husband was because I loved him and wanted to be with him, sharing our lives. To me, the decision to marry was all about my love for him.
He had worried that I wouldn’t want to marry him if the mumps he had as a teenager had destroyed his fertility. The doctor had told him it was a risk because he got mumps after puberty.
I told him that it didn’t matter at all. because I didn’t want to marry him just to make babies. After a few years of marriage, when the decision to “ try” to have a baby came up, I really had to think about it. I was very happy as we were - childless. Maybe in a couple of years… I wasn’t anxious to have a baby, , but he had decided that he since we did eventually want kids and since we had been married for 5 years, and he was already in his late 30s, figured we should go abroad. But I would never have wanted to marry just to have kids.
A little bit of a humorous story about mumps causing male sterility, my dad never had mumps as a child. So I picked them up at school, and my three younger siblings caught them ( this was before the vaccine was available). Of course Dad also caught them, and they went "down". The doctor said they likely made him sterile. I think my folks took that for granted. So a surprise about six years later when my youngest sister was born.
So wonderful! Wonderful photo.
ReplyDeleteWe will celebrate our 50th in December. I believe that Jimmy Mac and his husband have also been together 50 years this year. Happy anniversary to all of us!
Thanks Anne! Yes, Happy "half century" to us all!
DeleteFunny, I still feel like the same person, but don't look like that photo anymore.
Katherine, you and your husband look so young! Just kids. I was 25 and my husband was 32 when we married. But we look pretty young too in our wedding photos. The years have gone by so very fast. And I only considered divorce twice. :)
DeleteLOL, we were a couple of dumb kids! But it worked out anyway. I was 21, he was 25.
DeleteBy the way, Katherine, I like your husband's taste in glasses. Just like mine at the time. Had to stick with that until they invented high index plastic aspheric lenses. And then my eyesight improved anyway.
DeleteHappy anniversary and dance on!
ReplyDeleteOnly 6 percent of all marriages make it to 50 years. You are true outliers!
Ours is next week, #38. We were stragglers in the marriage and parenthood arenas.
Thanks Jean! And congrats on 38 years!
DeleteMy own parents didn't make it to 50, Mom passed away the year it would have been 49. So we need to be thankful that our health has held out reasonably well this long.
DeleteYour parents were blessed. My parents separated after about 25 years of marriage and divorced a few years after that.
DeleteYes, Jean, congratulations on your 38 years. I will pray that you make 50 - in spite of the health issues.
Our very dear friend of 25 years has been dying by inches from MS for 30 years. He was in and out of the hospital more times than I can count, and totally bedridden for the last 5 years. It finally took his ability to breathe on his own. He turned down the ventilator because he would never be able to get off it. He preferred to let nature take its course. After they removed the full- face 100% oxygen mask he died peacefully after just a few hours on the more limited oxygen provided through his nose.
He and his wife have been married 40 years, and MS totally dominated their lives for the last 25. She worked full time from home for the last several years, continued to help her now adult sons, including putting on two weddings because neither of the brides’ families could help financially, and took care of her husband with incredible devotion, changing his diapers and feeding him for the last few years. He was a very devout Catholic, and his faith sustained him. The funeral was yesterday and I must admit that it provided comfort to his family and friends. It was in the church where we were married almost 50 years ago, where we were members for 30 years. It was nice to be there again. But I can’t go back to the RCC, and I could see from the bulletin that even if I did go back, it isn’t the same parish it was. Vatican II has been forgotten in favor of EWTN/Scott Hahn/Catholic/fundamentalist protestantism.
The big tent Catholic Church I knew seems to have turned into a pup tent for “authentic” Catholics.
Anne, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. Sounds like things have certainly been challenging for him and his wife for a lot of years, Glad the funeral was able to provide some comfort for family and friends.
DeleteTwo July weddings here. Ours was right before Christmas, on Beethoven’s birthday. The reception was at my sister’s house. My mom had no money to pay for a wedding and neither did I. I also wore my sister’s wedding gown (my dad was still around for hers, walked her down the aisle, and paid the bills). My closest brother, who died at 47, walked me down the aisle. The house was beautiful, decorated for Christmas, with a beautiful tree and lots of poinsettias. We used them in the church and then brought them back to her home. The pastor had told my husband he could receive communion too. Our wedding and reception were somewhat atypical and quite wonderful. The pastoral priest lived up to his title of pastor, not making my husband feel that he was part of the great unwashed, unworthy christians - a Protestant! - welcoming him as Jesus would have.
DeleteWhen a young person tells me that she and her fiancé, with whom she lives, can’t afford to get married yet because they have to save many thousands of $ first, I try to tell them that a perfectly wonderful wedding can take place for a tiny fraction of what most young couples spend these days.
Ours wasn't an expensive wedding, either. Yes it is quite possible to have a lovely wedding without putting the family in the poor house! The priest who married us was subbing for our pastor, who was on vacation. The first time we met him was at the rehearsal. He was quite nice, didn't have a problem with my husband's Protestant pastor being part of the ceremony. We didn't have a Mass, half of my relatives and all of his were Protestant and it would have caused a lot of awkwardness.
DeleteAnne, I'm also very sorry for your friend. From what I've seen in my own extended family, caregiving for a family member can be holy work, but it seems utterly thankless, and I've never known anyone who didn't emerge from it ground down to almost nothing.
DeleteAnne and Katherine, so excited to hear you both testifying for an affordable wedding! This topic is such a pet peeve of mine. On the comparatively rare occasions I have a wedding couple to work with, I always tell them the wedding should be thought of as the starting point, not the culmination, and it's better to save for other things in life.
DeleteWhen I was growing up, weddings were big family parties at the local VFW or K of C hall. I'm sure they cost just a fraction, even in real dollars, of what people blow now on their weddings, and I thought they were a blast. Buffet dinners, plenty of affordable booze. What more do you need?
We bought a cake, coffee, and picked out clothes we could wear again to job interviews. The judge did the service for free, and the university rented us the chapel for $50.
DeleteJust as we were walking down the aiske, the tornado siren went off.
Given family alcoholism, I said no booze, but Dad had a bar set up in the trunk of his Merc Grand Marquis in the parking lot. My mother invited surprise guests, brought flowers, and had a meltdown during the reception. Uncle Dick didn't want to leave as long as Dad was still making drinks , and they didn't leave until the janitors came to lock up. We had to go back the next morning to clean up the chapel. Thank God no one barfed in the bathroom.
Utter nightmare. My brother said, "Now you know why I got married in another state."
I figured that if a double dose of my family didn't scare Raber off, we might have a good chance of making it work. So far, so good.
I am not making this up.
Oh, Jean. How sad. I’m very glad that the disastrous wedding didn’t end the marriage before it had really begun!
DeleteYah, but the wedding cost us under $500.
DeleteMy parents lived to celebrate their fiftieth wedding anniversary. That occurred about four years before Mom died, and at a time when both her and Dad were in good health. Dad lived another decade after her death. At least three and possibly four of Dad's siblings had marriages that lasted 50 years. One other sibling never married, the other got divorced.
ReplyDeleteMost of the people we know are long married - 40-50 years+. A few divorces.,I am one of 5 - one divorce. The rest of us married 50 years by December. My husband is one of four with three 50 year+ marriages, one divorce. Most of our friends who are in our age cohort have been married 40-60 years and only a couple of divorces when young. The second marriages for those few individuals have lasted 40+ years also.
DeleteMy husband’s parents were married more than 50 years. They bickered and put one another down so much that they were hard to be around. When our kids reached about 8 or older they didn’t really want to visit their grandparents, who lived near us. We thought they might be happier separated. But they never divorced because it wasn’t acceptable in their social crowd.
Congratulations, Katherine! You both look as happy as a couple should be on their wedding day!
DeleteAnd congratulations Anne, Jean and Jim M!
Our 34th will be a bit later this year.
My parents are both still living, they have been married 63 years now.
I'm one of seven. All of us married. One divorce and two separations that, for whatever reason (maybe expense), never turned into divorce. One of those two separations is as final as any divorce. The other is a little more of a grey area - they had a child together, so the husband still comes around to be a father, but as far as I know, they haven't actually dwelled together in years.
Thanks Jim!
DeleteThere is a touch of somberness today since it is also the one year anniversary of my dad's death. But I know he is at peace, and would want us to be happy.
DeleteI’m so sorry that your two anniversaries aren’t both happy. But your dad would want you to celebrate your 50th with great joy.
DeleteDo you and your husband have some out of the ordinary special
plans for today? I had no idea that reading the 50th is as rare as Jean pointed out. Definitely worth a special celebration.
Neither of us wanted to have a big party . Our kids came and spent the afternoon with us, then we went to Mass at 5:30. The intention was for our anniversary, and the priest gave a blessing before the offertory. The usual daily Mass crowd was there, plus a few friends. Afterwards we went out to eat at the nice restaurant in town. You know you have reached old age when your adult children pick up the tab!
DeleteGlad you got the celebration you wanted. Always a treat to go to the "nice place." Many happy returns.
DeleteWe’ve never gone for big parties. Never did big birthday parties for “ milestone “ birthdays. Always just us and our kids. But since we don’t live near our sons and their families, we will probably fly west and gather the family somewhere there. I actually had planned to gather everyone together at a nice resort for a couple of days to celebrate my husbands 80th in 2020. He has never wanted a big splash with others, but enjoys being with our sons and their families. But 80 really does seem like a real milestone. Couldn’t do it because of Covid. I can’t believe it’s 50 years married either. Where did the time go? And I can’t believe my husband really is 81. He neither looks it nor acts it - more active than 90% of men I know who are half his age. So we might combine the birthday and anniversary. I don’t like to have the sons and wives have to work too hard for our family get togethers. We are fortunately financially able to treat the family to a nice place somewhere for a couple of days to bring us all together without people being exhausted by caring for the 7 grandkids under 8 and doing all the cooking and serving and cleaning up. So we rent two 2 bedroom condos somewhere in California so everyone has a kitchen for breakfast and snacks, but we eat dinner out somewhere that is family casual and outdoors! That way the parents don’t have to focus on having the 3 and 4 year olds observing perfect etiquette in an adult, formal restaurant. A seafood place at the beach is ideal. Usually the condo resorts have grills, so sometimes we cook out. My oldest son loves to cook so he is often willing to be chef, buy the food, and prepare it. The rest of us are on cleanup and dishes duty. We used to do this when our youngest was in Oz and making a rare trip to the US with his family on their way to Europe to visit his wife’s family. Now it’s easier to plan because they are in Colorado.
DeleteJim caregiving for a family member can be holy work, but it seems utterly thankless, and I've never known anyone who didn't emerge from it ground down to almost nothing.
ReplyDeleteI honestly don’t know how his wife did it. Probably the most amazing example of living the vows of “ for better, for worse, in sickness and in health” that I’ve ever witnessed. Our friend - the wife of our friend with MS - is tiny. Maybe 5’ and 85 pounds. She worked too hard to ever gain an ounce.A really tough way to keep the size 2 figure. During all these last ten horribly difficult years, she always had a smile on her face and a warm welcome for friends at their home. Very different from another woman I knew years ago. We went to the same pool and our sons often played together there. She was a nurse. One day she told me that she was getting a divorce and moving away. She told me that her husband had been diagnosed with MS. As a nurse, she knew what would be coming in future years and told me that she wasn’t willing to do it. Very sad. But I honestly don’t think that I could have done what our friend did. I wouldn’t have gotten a divorce but I don’t think I would have had a smile on my face after the really hard years hit. I probably would have looked for a care home and lived with my guilt., I think the church totally misses the boat on naming saints. They always go for the priests and nuns, the virgins and martyrs. Personally I think our friend who barely left the house for years, working an executive job at her kitchen table, and caring for her husband full time too, deserves being called a saint far more than all the popes who have been canonized. There are many like her - so many true saints, never recognized officially.
Great picture but even greater is the fifty years staying together. Congratulations to Katherine and her husband and everybody else here who made it work for so long. Very admirable. Don't think I could ever have managed it.
ReplyDeleteThanks Stanley!
DeleteI was intrigued by the 6% of marriages making it to 50 years. The number didn’t seem right to me simply because in my small circle of family, friends and neighbors there are many marriages of 50 + years. Actually, almost half of marriages make it to 50 years!
ReplyDeleteHere’s the explanation.
https://familyinequality.wordpress.com/2016/02/13/has-your-marriage-lasted-50-years-congratulations-youre-old/
Yah, but at the time you get married, you have only a 6 percent chance of making it to 50 years, what with divorce rates, people marrying later, and death. That's what seemed relevant to me.
DeleteMoreover, the fastest growing divorce rates are among couples over age 50.
I have been reading about the increasing divorce rates of the over 50s for a while now. The majority of those divorces are initiated by the women. The kids are grown. One of my sisters is an elder law attorney. A good part of her work was drawing up estate plans and wills. She observed that after the death of a wife, most male clients remarried relatively quickly - within a year or two. But most of the women did not. Some of that had to do with the reality the more women live to be old than men so there are fewer potential mates. But she said that à number of the widows said they had spent decades taking care of all of the husband’s needs, from food to laundry to housekeeping, usually while having a full time job themselves. Even after retirement the men still expected their wives to do all the domestic stuff while they played golf or just watched sports on tv all the time. Some of her widow clients said that the men who showed interest in a committed relationship with them were also clearly looking for someone to cook, clean, do laundry and, of course, sleep with them. These women weren’t interested in having another man to take care of.
DeleteMarriage to me is something for the young or at least the not too old. The purpose is to provide a stable nest for the raising of children at least for that duration. If long term love emerges, that's great. I really don't see any purpose for it at my age. I've always taken care of myself adequately and when and if I need a nurse, I guess it'll be the nursing home. I'm good in the interim. At the same time, I find older men who feel the need to remarry for the reasons Anne describes, well, amusing.
DeleteStanley, many older people remarry because they want companionship. They are lonely. You never married and obviously have learned how to thrive, even though always living alone. While many women look at husbands as one more child to take care of, fortunately most of us are married to grown up men, not spoiled men who went from a mom doing everything for them to a wife they expected to do the same. When I was young, and still single, my friends and I really didn’t trust men who were still living at home with mom, even though they had good jobs and could easily afford rent somewhere.
DeleteI've known of older people who married simply because they couldn't bear to be alone. One set of my great grandparents married when she was 16 and he was 18. She died in her 60s and he remarried within 6 months to a woman 20 years younger. That was before my memory, but it made a few waves in the family. My mom said she didn't think they had anything in common except that they were both lonely. Eventually the family members came around. I never did figure out what to call my step-great-grandmother so I just called her Laura. She was a nice lady, and brought me seashells when they took a trip to California.
DeleteIf I were lonely, I'd get a dog. Getting used to other people gets a lot harder with age. If I croak, I hope Raber finds a nice Catholic lady who likes German food and does not argue about everything. That would be a nice change for him!
DeleteRe the title of Katherine's post: It is scary how fast time goes when you're old!
ReplyDeleteStanley The purpose is to provide a stable nest for the raising of children at least for that duration.
ReplyDeleteI didn’t even know when we got married that if I had told the priest I hadn’t decided yet about having children that he might have refused to marry us in the church. I really hadn’t thought about having children as a reason to get married. I had some friends who were extremely anxious to get married and have children. I wasn’t like that. I assumed that we would have children, but the reason I married my husband was because I loved him and wanted to be with him, sharing our lives. To me, the decision to marry was all about my love for him.
He had worried that I wouldn’t want to marry him if the mumps he had as a teenager had destroyed his fertility. The doctor had told him it was a risk because he got mumps after puberty.
I told him that it didn’t matter at all. because I didn’t want to marry him just to make babies. After a few years of marriage, when the decision to “ try” to have a baby came up, I really had to think about it. I was very happy as we were - childless. Maybe in a couple of years… I wasn’t anxious to have a baby, , but he had decided that he since we did eventually want kids and since we had been married for 5 years, and he was already in his late 30s, figured we should go abroad. But I would never have wanted to marry just to have kids.
A little bit of a humorous story about mumps causing male sterility, my dad never had mumps as a child. So I picked them up at school, and my three younger siblings caught them ( this was before the vaccine was available). Of course Dad also caught them, and they went "down". The doctor said they likely made him sterile. I think my folks took that for granted. So a surprise about six years later when my youngest sister was born.
DeleteLol! Great story, Katherine.
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