Connecting to others in a parish

Parishes offer mass.  How good are they at offering social fulfillment?

Jack's interesting post on circles of friendship has generated a lot of thoughtful conversation.   In one of the comments, I mentioned that a slice of my wife's and my friendships go back to her college days.  She was in an honors program at our alma mater, Loyola.  The honors students tended to hang out together, for several reasons: the university fostered the camaraderie by setting them up as a "group within a group", with their own lounge, a faculty adviser, some classes offered exclusively to them, and some planned social activities throughout the year.  Beyond that supportive formal structure, the honors program consisted of students of similar scholastic ability and with similar interests, and perhaps some of them would have found one another even without the institution's help.  There were some who paired off as couples, some of which led to marriages (at least a few of which continue to this day).  

Not everyone at Loyola had an honors program to belong to.  Loyola is not as large a university as the very large land-grant state schools in the Upper Midwest, but it's one of the larger Catholic schools in the United States, and sufficiently big that one can attend anonymously for four years if one wishes (or must), showing up for class and doing the work, but not being part of the community's social fabric.  

I didn't really have anything socially comparable to the honors program for my own undergraduate career.  I had to find my own groups of like-minded people to belong to.  Like many other undergraduates, I found that a fondness for beer provided an easy entree to social circles; and then, like many other undergraduates, I eventually found that a fondness for beer didn't set one up for academic success.  In retrospect, I can see that probably there was a fraternity that would have been happy to have me; but Greek life wasn't as big at Loyola as it was at the large state schools, and I wasn't really predisposed to be a frat bro.  Because I'm a sociable person, over time I did build up a circle (or several circles) of friends at college, but I didn't have much by way of pre-formed, ready-made thrown-togetherness like the honors program or a fraternity.   

At Loyola, not everyone lived on campus; there also were many commuter students.  These were students who lived locally in the Chicago area, commuted to college for their classes, and then returned home - usually to the parents' house; or, in the cases of some older undergrads, to their own homes.  For these commuter students, college social life could be a challenge.  I believe there was a certain class division between the on-campus-ers and the commuters: many of these commuter students were living at home because even in those days, a private college was a big expense, and affording the tuition was as much as they and their parents could swing.

And then there are students who may have wished to be socially "plugged in" but for one reason or another, weren't - whether because of prejudice on the part of other students, or anxiety or depression, or a damaged reputation, or some other reason.  I assume that any of us who have lived on a campus have seen examples of this and have anecdotes.

I mention all this because I think there are social parallels with Catholic parishes - and perhaps some lessons for Catholic parishes to learn. 

Pastors and parish staffs spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to get their parishioners more 'attached' to the parish.  Certainly, one practical reason for that is financial; pastors and church professionals understand that the days of widespread tithing are long in the past, and those who provide the most financial support are those who are actively engaged in the church community.  Whenever churches ask for money, eyes begin to roll, but there is a benign and legitimate way to think about this: the purpose of a parish is to establish a physical presence (a church, a rectory, often a school and, at least in the old days, a convent) in the midst of a community with many disciples or potential disciples.  The church provides spiritual "services" to the members while the members sustain the community spiritually, fraternally and, yes, financially.  

Perhaps that sounds transactional, but a better way to think of it is the mutuality of a virtuous cycle: the parish helps the member, and the member helps the parish.  Pastors who are looking for members to get engaged are looking for them to receive the good fruits of engaged disciples; and also looking to give the members a worthwhile community which the members will willingly - even eagerly - support.

The challenge for a church community is how to foster the "sense of community".  By the standards of church communities, Catholic parishes are large.  Ours supposedly has 3,000 registered families, although I look at that number with some skepticism, especially after COVID.  Still, most Catholic parishes in this metropolitan area are large enough that one can attend for years virtually anonymously, and many people do.

What people are looking for from a parish community can vary considerably, but even before I became a member of the clergy, I was among those who don't crave anonymity.  I want to be part of a group where I can be *someone*: as the old sitcom theme song goes, "Where everybody knows your name".

That's not possible when the parish community consists of thousands of members. And so parishes are advised to foster groups-within-the-group: like Loyola's honors program, common interest groups which are small enough to allow the members to participate as 'someones', while also remaining attached to the larger institution.

I believe that, in some ways, parishes used to be better at this than they are now.  I suspect the chief reason is that people themselves used to be more amenable to getting involved in community organizations and activities than they are now.  I've mentioned before that I am a believer in Robert D. Putnam's thesis in Bowling Alone that Americans are suffering from a dearth of social capital, because the mediating institutions of society have weakened and shrunk - and in some cases have disappeared.  What applies to communal life, applies on a smaller scale to a church community.  Parishes also need "mediating institutions": smaller groups in which members can not just show up, but participate, form friendships and relationships - and also be a friend in need for others.

In my own case, I have been involved in music ministry, going back to young adulthood - long before I became a deacon.  I should mention here that even many church choirs are too large and too hierarchical to qualify as effective mediating institutions; it is possible for a bass or an alto to sing in relative anonymity in his/her section, without getting to know the other members very well.  Smaller choirs - ensembles - are considerably more effective in fostering true Christian communities-within-the-community.  

From a social point of view, a well-constituted choir or ensemble can be rather like my alma mater's honors program: a bringing together of like-minded persons, with some institutional support.  Especially because of COVID, the choir in our parish has shrunk over the last 1-2 years.  In a way, it's a shame - but in a way, it's not: I am noticing that the bonds of friendship and Christian fellowship are growing stronger in the smaller group, and frankly, they are sounding better, too - not as big, but a tighter blend.  

Perhaps not everyone joins a choir to fulfill a social need: there may be some who simply like to make music, and would prefer not to have to smile and chat during rehearsals.  In the same way, seemingly there are quite a few people who aren't looking for anything from their parish except a predictable Sunday mass schedule and a parking lot.  We music ministers know this well: we've spent the entire post-Vatican-II era trying to get them to sing, and they continue to stubbornly resist singing.  They are, literally, refusing to actively participate.

But I suspect there are others who would get more involved, if the parish gave them more ways to be involved.  And that would be good for both them and the parish.