How bound are we to honor the wishes of the dying? For example, if the person who is dying expresses a wish to be buried, is it bad form for the survivors to decide to cremate? Or if the dying wife begs her husband, "Please don't ever sell our home", is it wrong for the husband to sell the house shortly after the funeral?
Where my wife grew up, one of the neighboring families had a special-needs child. He grew to adulthood living with his parents, who worked very hard to care for him - much harder than would be the case for children who do not have special needs. When the parents died, the parents left the house with his sibling, and the understanding seemed to be that they wanted the sibling to continue to care for him. Instead, the sibling had him taken in by a residential place that could care for his needs.
I recently attended a funeral where the children cremated their mother's body. I am pretty sure (but not certain) that wasn't her desire. But is it really her decision to make?
What do you think about this sort of thing? Here is my take: if I've promised to do something, or not do something (e.g. not to cremate), then I'd consider myself bound by the promise. But if I've made no promises, then I wouldn't necessarily consider myself bound by the wishes of the deceased. I'd do what makes the most sense for the survivors.
When I was making out my will some decades ago, my wise lawyer said to not regard it as a way to try to manage the future from beyond the grave. The most important thing is not the will but the list of assets so that the executor can distribute them to whomever I want; they then become their assets.
ReplyDeleteNow in some special cases one can put the assets into a trust, e.g. for a special needs person, giving someone authority over those assets. In a trust someone is legally accountable.
Still, one never knows what will happen. I think we should all be very careful about expressing strong wishes about what should happen after we die. Likewise, we should be very careful about making promises to people about what will happen after they die. We need to be responsible for our own lives, and not worry about what will happen to our property and other people's lives once we are gone. For sure, the world will go on without us.
For my mother, although she never expressed herself explicitly, I knew what she would want, traditional burial, like her siblings and parents. So I did so. Unless the wishes of the dead are overly burdensome or nutty, I would try to fulfill them as closely as possible. I have a will and interment instructions. That's all.
ReplyDeleteWe have a trust - it simplifies things for the executor and speeds things up for the heirs, because the estate doesn’t have to go through probate. Setting up a specific trust is especially useful for those who have a special needs child - a special trust can be set up but the trustee must be chosen carefully - ideally another person can be a designated watchdog to be sure that the trust is managed fir the benefit of the person it was designed to care for and not mismanaged for the benefit of the trustee. It can be very tricky. One of my sisters was an estate planning attorney and she educated us on the benefits of trusts, even for relatively uncomplicated estates.
ReplyDeleteI have strong feelings about what I want - and don’t want - after I die ( a green burial, offered by Trappist monks on the grounds of their abbey), immediate family and a few named close friends, no obituary or public announcement of the funeral arrangements). I am spelling out the details in a separate document that will be with the trust papers. I plan to ask my husband what he wants - perhaps buy two burial sites in the monks’ woods ahead of time. No formal church service, but selected prayers led by a priest (Episcopal).
I don't have answers, really, just a lot of questions:
ReplyDeleteDid the children who cremated their mother have enough money for a traditional casket funeral with all the trimmings? Especially if the mother left a lot of medical bills or other expenses that the estate would have to pay for?
Did the special needs sibling require care beyond what his brothers and sisters could provide? Did they have the time, skill, and money to handle it? Were other siblings willing to pitch in to help the caregiver?
Does the husband have the means, health, and time to maintain the home he shared with his dead wife? If his circumstances change, should he ruin his finances or health taking care of the house?
If the deceased wants no obit, prayers, or funeral service of any kind, but these things would bring comfort to the survivors, or the survivors sincerely believe that a funeral service could bring repose to the soul of the deceased, should the survivors still honor the deceased's wishes?
Why is the dying person extracting promises from the living? Is she motivated by a spirit of generosity and acceptance of her situation? By genuine love for the survivors? Or are her demands motivated by fear, anger, or grief over her impending death? Does any of that matter when it comes to keeping promises made?
To what extent can anybody sit at the bedside of a dying loved one and not promise them whatever they ask for? What kind of a person tells the dying--Sorry, but I'm going to have to cremate you because I'm broke. Sorry, I can't take my schizophrenic brother because it will tear my marriage apart. Honey, I know this was your dream house, but, sorry, your medical bills are going to force me to sell it as soon as you die. Or, Yes, of course, I will allow you to direct your own funeral without regard for my own feelings or what might help me heal from grief over your death.
All these scenarios seem to underscore the need for people to a) face up to their demise in a spirit of love and concern for their survivors and b) the need for people to discuss these things so that unreasonable deathbed promises are avoided.
My iPad is giving me problems. All of Jean’s comments are on point - especially the last. We need to discuss these matters long before we are on our deathbeds. I was surprised at the reaction of our eldest son at the funerals of his grandfather and grandmother, held five weeks apart. Both were cremated at their request. After the church service (UCC) the ashes were poured from the urn into the designated section of the Memorial Garden. Our son thought that was horrible and told us that he hoped that we wouldn’t have that done. Before my mother died she told all five of us separately that there was room for her to be buried at the church in western New York that had a family plot. Her grandparents had been married there, and were also buried there, along with other family members. My mother was born in LA in 1910 and lived her entire life in Southern California. She spent some summers at her grandfather’s farm in New York and that is where she wanted to be buried. We honored that wish, flying her casket to New York, arranging for a funeral mass just for the immediate families - her children, their spouses, and grandchildren. She had actually bought a funeral insurance policy at some point that covered all the costs of the funeral home in California, her casket, and expenses at the church cemetery in New York. Her advance planning was a final gift to us, her children. We will discuss our plans with our sons, so that if there are objections we can change them.
DeleteJean, so happy to see you back!
DeleteI am so VERY happy to see Jean here again. Jean, I hope you stick around, but if you just want to pop in now and then, we’ll understand.
DeleteSo happy to have Jean back commenting :-)
ReplyDeleteA lot of wisdom here. I actually don't have strong views about whether or not I am cremated, where I am laid to rest, and so on. I suppose I am unusual in that respect: I have churchy friends who have planned their own funeral liturgies - in detail!, including what songs they want, and who they want to sing them :-). I include the little smiley face because I think that is amusing, but I suppose they are very much in earnest about it.
If my wife and I were to die tomorrow in a traffic accident or some such, I think my children would be gobsmacked by having to deal with all the preparations and logistics - figuring out what to do about our funerals and burials is something we've never discussed with them (at least I haven't - I wouldn't put it past my wife :-)). They are all in their 20s and still learning how to do basic adult functions like getting the oil changed on their car. They wouldn't know where to start to put together a funeral - I don't know if some of them have ever actually attended one. We have a trust, all in a nice booklet with the attorney's business card in the inside front cover, so the distribution of the assets should be orderly. My parents still are alive and pretty sharp, and I know they would be extremely helpful - they'd probably end up taking on the burden themselves. And of course a good funeral director is a godsend for those situations.
Jim, I get the smiley face, because my running joke with myself is that every time I have a little bit of a health concern, doesn't even have to be something major, I find myself picking out funeral songs in my head. They change from time to time.
DeleteWe're going to lay out our funeral plans. We promise ourselves this time we'll actually do it. After the first of the year. Our kids know basically what we want, I think we're pretty much on the same page.
I think if it's at all possible, people's wishes should be honored. But if it simply isn't possible, the needs of the living take precedence.
A few times we have known of people whose survivors didn't do anything about last arrangements. Just...crickets. I suppose they kept the ashes on the mantle, or something. Which is fine if that was what they wanted. But some of them were parishioners, and I'm pretty sure they would at least have wanted a Mass. Which would have given their friends a chance to say goodbye.
I have specific preferences because I have very often been turned off by different things about funerals, American style. It’s big business, and there are predators in the funeral business who take advantage of unprepared, grieving family members in order to sell them the gold casket with the pure silk lining. Or whatever. I’ve also been turned off when tons of people show up who had ignored the deceased when alive, living alone, and desperately hoping one of their old « friends « might come to visit when invited, but were always too busy. But they show up for the free food and plenty of gossip at the reception. I hate the non- eulogies given by priests who clearly knew nothing about the person who died, offering boring cliches, or worse, grim talks reminding the mourners that someday, like the Good Thief, they would join Jesus in heaven in spite of being sinners. But the PTB refuse to allow eulogies from those who knew and loved the person., So many things to dislike about the American way of death.
DeleteMy experience with my parents is that if you make arrangements with a funeral home they keep your wishes on file.The funeral directorI dealt with pulled these up and gave me an itemized estimate on the spot. I modified the plan for my mother's service, but there was no hard sell. The only thing he seemed hinky about was that I had come in alone to make the arrangements. I think he thought I was making arrangements in a bereaved state and might later try to complain about the service.
DeleteThe only ugly surprise after my mother died was the way the organ and tissue donation people handled things. My mother wanted us to consider donation, but if I had it to do over, I would have turned down donation with a hard "no way."
Our recent experience with my dad's funeral was that there weren't that many people who came. I'm sure Covid had something to do with it, but he had outlived all his friends. It was mainly family and relatives. I was glad that all the grandchildren except one were able to make it.
DeleteThe six grandsons were pallbearers. The priest had the granddaughters place the pall on the casket. A cousin sang Schubert's Ave Maria, which Dad had always loved. The priest had been in the parish for 18 years, so he had known Dad well and gave a nice homily.
About eulogies, sometimes they are given prior to the start of Mass. And they can always be done at the wake service. When my husband leads a wake service he always asks the family if anyone would like to say a few words.
We appreciated the funeral luncheon. It meant food that the family members didn't have to prepare. And it was a chance to visit with people we hadn't seen for a long time. One of my sons joked that he wished he didn't have to go to a funeral to eat St. Luke's funeral potatoes (church lady secret recipe).
Welcome back Jean! I agree with your conclusion.
ReplyDeleteAll these scenarios seem to underscore the need for people to a) face up to their demise in a spirit of love and concern for their survivors and b) the need for people to discuss these things so that unreasonable deathbed promises are avoided.
We have estate planning and funeral planning tools (e.g. the prepaid funeral) that are helpful in facing the future. However the future is always uncertain. As a person who did institutional planning for most of my life, plans usually begin to get outdated within five years, and definitely in ten years.
My parents first made their wills when I was around forty. It was simple since I am an only child. The only question was what happens if we are all killed in the car accident. The solution at that time was to divide everything among the dozen grandchildren who were mostly in their thirties.
Ten years later when my mother died the situation had changed. It was the children of the grandchildren who would soon be needing money for college. Had we known about trusts that might have been a solution. We decided to leave the estate to Wheeling Jesuit University, nearby to SW Pennsylvania, in terms of scholarship money for our county residents. Hopefully they would give preference to our family members.
Another ten years and my father’s death brought a new situation. Wheeling Jesuit had fallen on hard times with a series of presidents. I did establish a scholarship in my parents name with a part of the money that I had inherited, but it was becoming evident that their future was uncertain. I was correct, they are now no longer a Jesuit University, and no longer in my will.
Funeral planning also changes with the years. There is a plot reserved for me next to my parents. For most of the years, the plan was to return my body to PA for funeral and burial since I had aunts and uncles and cousins there. The aunts and uncles are now dead. There is not likely to be much of a funeral so increasingly I am thinking in terms of cremation with burial of ashes at the cemetery.
There was always a possibility of a memorial Mass here at a parish. But that is also ever changing. Right before the pandemic Betty was a cantor at a parish about 20 miles from here. I had gone to that parish often so the funeral Mass would probably have been done there. However just before the pandemic they got a new pastor, now they have a new music director. It is not likely that we will go back there after the pandemic.
Perhaps we need regular formal family synods (gatherings where we review how we are "walking together")! They could coincide with funerals, birthdays, weddings or annual holidays. A time to consider updating our estate planning, funeral arraignments, etc. A time to game plan what if scenarios, e.g. someone becomes seriously ill and/or home bound.
I have been convinced for some time that parishes need to sponsor support and retirement networks, maybe in the spirit of synodality we could rename these "walking together" networks. Families are simply spread too far around in space and in their commitments to give adequate support.
If the pandemic goes away, I plan to start a parish network of people who pray the Divine Office at home. I am hoping that will develop into my support network that will be independent of changes of pastors.
Jean says
ReplyDeleteThe only ugly surprise after my mother died was the way the organ and tissue donation people handled things.
Would be interested in any further elaboration. Betty has suggested that one form of donation might be for medical students. There is a shortage of cadavers; ideally each student should have their own and conduct their assessment without access to the medical history.
Cadaver donation is different from organ/tissue donation, and donation centers have different protocols. Be aware that cadavers are used for purposes other than medical dissection, and you may not be able to specify how your body will be used. Betty should ask whether the ashes of any body parts not preserved for medical education can be returned to the family if that is important to her.
DeleteOrgan/tissue donation requires that medical staff whisk the body away asap to get it on ice. There is a very invasive medical history questionnaire that has to be completed. The donation coordinators will tell survivors specifically what parts they can harvest and how, and they will have to make an instantaneous decision about permission.
Because of the speed at which they have to work, the donation people have little time to be sensitive about this.
The body may be sent to a processing center many miles distant, and it could take several days for the body to be sent to the funeral home from there.
My advice is to ask the donation people in your state a lot of very direct and probing questions. If you find it difficult to deal with, I guarantee it will be even harder on your family if you die suddenly in the middle of the night.
I wonder if the acts of mercy, long a part of Catholic tradition, help guide us in service to the dead and dying, as well as facing our own mortality. The pertinent acts are:
ReplyDelete--To visit the sick.
--To comfort the afflicted.
--To counsel the doubtful.
--To bury the dead.
--To pray for the living and the dead.
The spirit of the acts seems to be to treat the body with respect and to acknowledge the immortality of the deceased's soul. There's a lot of leeway there.
My job is to comfort the afflicted who have to make final arrangements for me. My "death folder" instructs family to give me an economical sendoff in whatever way that would give them the most comfort. In the event that they are unsure of what to do, there is a short obit and interment service included for their consideration.
I think Jack's attorney's admonition about not trying to control things beyond the grave is a good one.
The acts of mercy were central for Dorothy Day. She saw them as essential both for the poor as well as for ourselves. Voluntary poverty, living as much like the poor as possible, was key for Catholic Workers. She made a great distinction between nursing and social worker where others are treated as clients, and the hospitality of Catholic Worker houses where people were encouraged to be part of the community.
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