An overnight trip of about 400 miles would get
me there by car, bus, train, or plane. Bus and train were ten hours one-way
each way. The train had a 10 percent on-time arrival record; the bus, well no.
The car at seven hours would have meant fourteen hours driving over two days.
The plane was 90 minutes, no driving.
It’s been several years since I have had to take
a plane. All I know about them is what I read in the papers: ever-smaller
seats, claustrophobia, dogs, peacocks, germs, crotchety passengers, angry crew,
fights, aisle-dragging, sitting for hours on the tarmac. Having no choice if
this was to be an overnight trip, it was take the plane or cancel the trip. I
took the plane.
Luck was on my side. Yes, seats tight, but no
dogs or peacocks. And there was much to amuse. The plane was half-empty out-bound. Flight attendants were no longer retired models tottering on four-
inch heels, but short, chubby, middle-aged women in stylish sneakers and
wrinkled uniforms. The single disruption was a seating rearrangement. A young
couple with a small baby on the left side of the plane was asked to switch to
the right side. No explanation. No discussion. They moved. The general
consensus was that the fifteen-pound baby was needed to balance the plane.
After that, passengers were issued a small bottle of water and could choose
among teeny bags of nuts, chips, or pretzels. Then we landed.
The return trip was full, and amusing in it’s own way. It began with seat confusion:
two passengers showed up for seat 14 A, which was amicably resolved by the legal dictum: Possession is 200 percent of the law. A first class seat was produced for the loser. There was one flight attendant. She appeared to be older than I. Thin, stood straight, a slight smile, she looked a healthy 80. Seemed improbable. She frowned when I headed to the facility before take off, but did not impede or forbid. As take-off approached she made her way up the aisle, checking seat belts, ordering carry-ons under the seat in front, tray tables up. She stopped at the exit door seats to check out passenger willingness and capabilities of opening doors over the wings. Four men; two on each side listened and nodded. She started to move on, then stopped. One of the men had his laptop—in his lap. She motioned him to put it under the seat in front of him. He seemed to quibble. She motioned again. There was a brief stand-off. Then she turned her face on: a stern stare at the recalcitrant, forehead furrowed, eyes narrowed, lips pursed. Very slowly he bent down and place the computer under the seat. She had not spoken. I was impressed. Compliance achieved, she gave a stiff and friendly smile and moved on. Who was she? The thought—“a retired nun”—flashed across my mind. But no, how could that be?
The return trip was full, and amusing in it’s own way. It began with seat confusion:
two passengers showed up for seat 14 A, which was amicably resolved by the legal dictum: Possession is 200 percent of the law. A first class seat was produced for the loser. There was one flight attendant. She appeared to be older than I. Thin, stood straight, a slight smile, she looked a healthy 80. Seemed improbable. She frowned when I headed to the facility before take off, but did not impede or forbid. As take-off approached she made her way up the aisle, checking seat belts, ordering carry-ons under the seat in front, tray tables up. She stopped at the exit door seats to check out passenger willingness and capabilities of opening doors over the wings. Four men; two on each side listened and nodded. She started to move on, then stopped. One of the men had his laptop—in his lap. She motioned him to put it under the seat in front of him. He seemed to quibble. She motioned again. There was a brief stand-off. Then she turned her face on: a stern stare at the recalcitrant, forehead furrowed, eyes narrowed, lips pursed. Very slowly he bent down and place the computer under the seat. She had not spoken. I was impressed. Compliance achieved, she gave a stiff and friendly smile and moved on. Who was she? The thought—“a retired nun”—flashed across my mind. But no, how could that be?
Just as I was giving up the possibility, the
four men, two on each side of the aisle, laughed. The recalcitrant was joshed a
bit and shrugged his shoulders. A little elbow jousting, more chuckles, more
joshing. That confirmed my suspicion. She was a retired nun! These guys had been
eighth grade boys thirty years ago: Some Sister Mary had turned her face on and
they had done what she asked. They had no choice.
My parochial school classes numbered around 50. Any being who can maintain control of that many urchins has the skill set for keeping order on a plane. Enjoyed the story, by the way.
ReplyDeleteThe most surprising element of that anecdote was that a plane took off half-empty. I'm sort of a semi-semi-frequent flyer, and haven't seen a single empty seat for several years. On the other hand, I once flew from London to Inverness and there were a grand total of eight passengers on the flight. All of us had our bags searched, not just the carry-ons but the luggage we had checked; they brought it over to the gates, opened up our suitcases and rifled through our underwear and socks while we looked on before sending it on to the baggage guys. They also served us a full, hot breakfast once we were in the air. That was British Airways. I hope they haven't fallen into the coffee-and-peanuts class of service since then.
ReplyDeleteI am sure that the airlines would prefer to hire the fashion-forward 23 year olds as flight attendants and pay them coffee-and-peanut wages, but many of the US airline flight attendants are unionized, and I suppose seniority rules prevail. I'm all for frumpy middle-aged and higher types continuing to be employed.
Let's see, fashionable 20-somethings, vs senior lady who can "herd cats" without unpleasant incidents; my guess is that her employment is secure for as long as she wants it.
DeleteI am much reassured by flight attendants who look as if they can remember the Clinton administration.
ReplyDeleteComing back from Philadelphia last week, my wife and I had an empty middle seat between us on the Atlanta-West Palm leg. It's been a long, long time. But the flights up were full, and remember this is Florida; at this time of the year, people have stopped coming and the last of the snowbirds are going.
Of course, as a punishment for the empty seat we had a one hour and 10 minute delay after we were all tucked in while we waited for the food cart. The pilot explained that we could go without food on a flight of under two hours, but not without water. And the water was on the food cart. Aviation was born in 1903, and since then only Midwest Express, which didn't last, and Piedmont, which was merged into mediocrity, have figured out how to do it with passengers.
They tell me that Southwest does a fairly decent job. but the person who told me that works for them. So maybe not entirely objective.
DeleteI don't fly very often, either. So far they have been uneventful except for one connecting flight which was delayed while some repairs were carried out. At 30K feet I was really hoping those repairs were well done!
ReplyDeleteMy niece and her husband are airline pilots. Which means her parents can fly stand-by on her pass. Which they do at every opportunity. She had a good nun-on-a-plane story. She had piloted a flight to Mexico City for the first time. Was a little nervous because that airport was said to be a little tricky to land at. But things went okay. Afterwards a nun who had been a passenger on that flight hunted her up, and gave her a rosary. The nun said she was headed for the Our Lady of Guadalupe shrine, and had been scared of flying. But the plane had landed so smoothly she didn't even feel it touch the ground. So she thanked God for sending such a skilled lady pilot. Of course after that my niece had to go to the Guadalupe shrine as well.
Off-beat, but somehow on topic:
ReplyDeletePlease see today's NY Times' Sports Section for the story about plane travel for fancy horses. They're jetted around the world with grooms to care for them.
Better treatment than the human passengers...next thing, the dogs will get their own compartments and personal groomers.
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