Satire by Tom Reese

 Trump Imposes Tariffs on the Vatican

The 'pope penalty' will also include tariffs on rosaries and medals blessed at the Vatican.

“Why should we import indulgences from the Vatican when we have domestic producers like Paula White who offer products that are much better,” said a White House spokesperson.

Paula White, head of the new White House Faith Office and a proponent of the prosperity Gospel, last month promised seven supernatural blessings for the Easter season to her followers if they sent her $1,000 or more. (While the rest of this column is satire, this particular offer from White is real.)

White’s “seven blessings” was no doubt an effort to cut into the indulgence market that the Holy See has dominated for centuries.

“Our blessings are seven times better than indulgences, which only get you out of Purgatory,” explained Trump, in introducing the Vatican tariffs. “It’s a bigger bang for the buck.”

A long-time supporter of the president, White has often publicly prayed for Trump, including in the week before the election, when she stood alongside several other religious leaders as they prayed over Trump at a faith-focused campaign event. The president recalled the prayer as he announced his “pope penalty” tariffs in front of the White House with White at his side.

“Their prayers clearly worked better than the pope’s,” bragged Trump, who is a strong supporter of the U.S. prayer industrial complex.

Trump is also imposing a $100 tariff on rosaries and medals blessed by the pope when they are brought into the U.S. by American pilgrims. Noncitizens trying to smuggle rosaries into the U.S. will be sent to prison in El Salvador since the EPA has classified rosaries as a schedule-one substance because of their highly addictive nature.

“Rosaries should be made in the United States and blessed by my good friend Cardinal Dolan,” said Trump. New York Cardinal Timothy Dolan invited Trump to the Al Smith dinner in New York City less than a month before the November 2024 election.

Elon Musk, head of the Department for Government Efficiency, has also told the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement to use imprisoned migrant children to manufacture rosaries as a means of making the detention centers self-supporting.

The Vatican Secretariat of State believes the tariffs are simply a negotiating tactic to get the pope to support the president’s foreign policy on Ukraine, the Middle East, Greenland and the Gulf of America.

The Vatican City State is also being pressured to up its defense spending to 5% of its GDP. “The Swiss Guard is a pitiful excuse for an army,” declared U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth in a chat on Signal. He did not seem to know the Vatican was not a member of NATO.

The Army Corps of Engineers also wants access to the plans used in building the wall around the Vatican so it can duplicate the wall on the border with Canada. A spokesman for the Corps said, “Vatican expertise in wall building is unmatched anywhere in the world and we need it.”

But there also seems to be something else going on here, according to Vatican insiders.

Behind the scenes, Trump is demanding the pope designate Mar-a-Lago as a location for a holy door during the 2025 Jubilee Year. The holy doors are normally in Rome where pilgrims get an indulgence for going through them. Trump wants pilgrims to come to his shrine at Mar-a-Lago.

“It would be the most beautiful door ever,” said Trump. “Solid gold. It would be great!”

The president also wants to replace Casa Santa Marta, the Vatican building where the pope lives, with a 40-story Trump Tower.

“The pope would get a seven-star residence,” explained the American negotiator for the Trump Organization. “We would give him a cut of the gambling revenues, which would help Vatican finances. It is a win-win.”

When asked about the U.S. policy toward the Vatican, Secretary of State Marco Rubio, a Catholic, said, “I support the president’s policies, whatever they are at the moment.”

Vice President JD Vance, also a Catholic, said, “I bend the knee to no foreign potentate, only to Donald Trump. It’s basic ordo amoris.”