On Forgiveness

There was an interesting review of a book by Kaya Oakes on the NCR site, "Not So Sorry; Abusers, False Apologies and the Limits of Forgiveness" New book from Kaya Oakes explores the limits of forgiveness | National Catholic Reporter (ncronline.org)

"Not So Sorry goes on to take a sweeping look at the way forgiveness has been portrayed as a necessary element of healing; healing for victims, yes, but even for abusers. Oakes writes that our American notion of forgiveness is infused with the influences of philosophy, psychology and religion, leading us to the assumption that forgiveness is always virtuous — the good and right thing to do — and that unforgiveness is a sin and moral failing."

"Working from the perspective of large-scale institutional abuse scandals, Oakes crafts a new narrative about the "virtue" of forgiveness and its shortcomings as a performative action that placates abusers' consciences far more often than it heals the collective and individual damage."

"...We need a more forgiving definition of forgiveness," writes Oakes near the end of the book, and that becomes the retroactive map of her comprehensive appraisal and compelling evidence that forgiveness in America is tied to the preservation of power, at the expense of victims who are viewed as heroic if they forgive and morally defective if they choose not to."

"...Oakes proposes that a more comprehensive healing is achieved when these individuals and institutions are held accountable for repairing the damage they have done through restorative justice. With justice rather than forgiveness at the heart of the intention, victims are centered and perpetrators' narratives rightly become the backstory."

There are lot of things to consider about the subject of forgiveness.  I notice that the book appears to be specifically about forgiveness of abuse. I am not really qualified to speak on that since I have never had to forgive something life changing, such as an unfaithful or abusive spouse, or physical or sexual abuse.  Just the normal stuff everyone has to put up with; mean girls at school, a toxic boss or two, that kind of thing.

Sometimes I am reminded about the "monkey trap", that we can't get free of the trap until we let go of what we are holding on to.

We need to be careful, though, about defining down forgiveness.  Jesus was really, really insistent about it. And we say, "forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us" every single time we say the Our Father.

Do any of you have thoughts on forgiveness?