This weekend is my 40th high school reunion. A few reflections on reunions:
First, some background: my alma mater is Boylan Central Catholic High School in Rockford, IL. Rockford is a smallish city in the far north of Illinois, close to the Wisconsin border. If the traffic isn't heavy, it's about an hour's drive from my home in the Chicago suburbs.
After graduating from high school, I came to Chicago to attend college. For the first two summer breaks, I moved back to my parents' home in Rockford and worked during the summer months in a hot (and dangerous) factory. But after my junior year of college, I rented a crummy apartment in Chicago as my living quarters for senior year, and finagled a desk job in an air-conditioned office in downtown Chicago. So I didn't go back to Rockford and the factory that summer. And I haven't lived there since. It's been nearly 40 years since I've really been immersed in the Rockford community.
That anecdote I just related is a story of out-migration. That story is typical for my generation, at least those of us who grew up in the small industrial cities in the Upper Midwest and went on to college. When I was coming of age in the 1970s, those towns already were declining, with few appealing job prospects for a young college graduate, and few of the amenities that appeal to young adults. Because so many of us didn't come back, there has been a drain, not only of population, but of talent.
That out-migration story is reflected in the statistics for my class's 40th reunion: my graduating class in 1979 was 375 students; but the registered attendance for this weekend's reunion dinner is only 130 - and that number includes spouses, like my wife, who didn't attend Boylan (and who surely find these events a crashing bore - I'm really grateful that she's willing to come with me this weekend).
So 20-30% of the class have committed to showing up this weekend. Where is everyone else? I can't say for certain. Some, of course, have died over the course of 40 years, although perhaps not as many as I expected: the organizing committee of the reunion, for which I've been drafted as a sort of last-minute adjunct member - more on that in a future post - know of 11 classmates who have passed away. I think there are more than that - I thought there was a list of 18 names at the 30 year reunion - but if there are more than the 11, nobody on the committee has been able to identify them.
Beyond the deaths, there are some, of course, who would like to come to the reunion but have other commitments for the weekend. But I suspect the largest contingent of "declines" falls into two categories. They apply, respectively, to the "out-migrators" and the "stayed-behinders".
For some "out-migrators", those who left Rockford and never returned, the prospect of having to go through the inconvenience and expense of traveling, for the purpose of spending a single evening with people they haven't seen and probably have rarely thought about for decades, may not be sufficiently appealing to undertake. For them, high school is in the distant past; the memories may not be that positive; or the subsequent courses of their lives may not be ones about which they would welcome inquiries.
As for "stayed-behinders", those who never left Rockford after high school, there can be a curious attitude, the existence of which I've discovered only in the last couple of years, in the wake of recent family reunions. The attitude is this: those who never left Rockford see one other all the time, and don't feel the need to pay money to see one another again; whereas, from their point of view, those of us who have left have drifted out of their lives and might as well be dead as far as having any practical importance to them.
As for me: I'm a reconnector. When I was growing up, my parents uprooted us every few years and planted us in new towns, with new schools and the imperative of forming new friendships. Every time we were uprooted, a set of friendships and relationships was left behind. A life lived that way is like an anthology of short stories: a single volume with discrete sections, and no commonality from one story to another. The effect on the person (or at least on me) who has lived an anthologized life is a longing to renew the connections, to see how the characters have progressed after the story ended. So I'm looking forward to this weekend.
The locals organize our reunions to suit themselves. I have never been.
ReplyDeleteInformal meet-ups with high school and college acquaintances have been pleasant enough but superficial.
Otoh, I am not now nor have ever been much of a charmer. Some boy I once had a crush on told me he remembered that I had pretty hair, had a nice voice, and scared people with my sarcasm. Hair and singing are long gone. I may still be scary.
Tis the season for reunions; my 50th one was a couple of weeks ago. I agree with you about the longing to see how people's story progressed. There were 109 who graduated in my class. About 40 class members, plus spouses if they had them, came to the reunion. What struck me was how time, especially a long time, was an equalizer. Our class had its share of cliques and claques, in crowds and out crowds. But mostly the mood at the reunion was people being glad to see one another, and being grateful to still be among the living. We have lost 23 classmates already. The attrition started early. One girl drowned in a boating accident before graduation; and a boy committed suicide three weeks after graduation.
ReplyDeleteI was an introverted bookworm, I didn't think I was very popular. But a number of classmates had connected with me on Facebook, and many discussed good and funny memories of times together, at the reunion. Several shared memories of my mom, which was touching. There were several I had attended kindergarten with, and some who went to Catholic grade school with me. Our town had several public elementary schools, and a Lutheran and a Catholic grade school. Everyone went to the same public high school. I don't know why it took the parochial schools so long to figure out that they had better retention if they had a kindergarten. We all went to public kindergarten, then transferred to parochial if that was the plan.
You mentioned the stay-behinders and the reconnectors. There was a third group in my class, the disengaged. There are some who have never attended a reunion, even if they live close by. Some have shared that they felt excluded, like they didn't belong. This group often were poor students, and didn't take part in any activities. It is probably a failure on the part of the rest of us that we didn't make more of an effort to draw them in. Unfortunately teenagers are often self-focused.
It will be interesting to hear your reactions to the reunion, hopefully you have a good time.
A side note to this was that the same weekend was my sister's 40th class reunion. She came as far as our place and hitched a ride the rest of the way with us. Since the reunions were at different venues, she ended up borrowing our dad's big old beat-up Ram pickup to get to hers. He doesn't drive much anymore, and that's a good thing. She kidded that she was still asking, "Dad, can I borrow the car?"
Delete"What struck me was how time, especially a long time, was an equalizer."
DeleteYes. Some of that was visible even during the college years; quite a few people seemed to have grabbed that opportunity to "reinvent" themselves. Or probably that's putting it too negatively: many times, a fresh start in a new environment can be a positive thing and can spur growth and progress.
There were two or three people with whom I reconnected tonight who really have been quite successful, and I never would have predicted it from what I knew of them in high school. And there were others who, in school, were at the top of the social heap and seemed to have all the "right stuff", who have had rather unremarkable lives. I am sure some of it, maybe a lot of it, was due to circumstances beyond their control.
"Several shared memories of my mom, which was touching."
DeleteYes. It seems to me that, for an adolescent, sometimes it takes more than one set of parents to make a difference. Sometimes a parent can make a positive impact, not only on their own children's lives, but on the lives of their children's friends as well.
Jim, you are right that sometimes people do things that no one would have predicted. One of the guys in my class, who wasn't a stellar scholar, and seemed interested mainly in fast cars, went on to earn a PhD and became a college administrator.
DeleteI have never been to a high school class reunion. Now until about five years ago I regularly visited family who lived in the area; it would have been easy to schedule one of those visits to coincide with a reunion.
ReplyDeleteI went to a very football oriented public high school about thirty miles south of Pittsburgh where steel making was the big industry. Most of my classmates (1960) were headed for good paying jobs in the steel mills. Not many were college oriented or looking to leave the valley.
I was one of the few National Merit Finalists that the school had in those days. But I was headed to the Jesuit Novitiate in Eastern Pa. I was fond of saying that all my adolescent rebellion was against my peers. I got along with several faculty in math and science more like they were my peers. Although my father worked in the steel mill, I didn't think very much of my peers lack of intellectual interests.
I was very fortunate to have very independent parents who supported my independence. They had both grown up by the time they were teenagers and treated me as an adult as soon as I was sixteen. Dad had only an eight grade education; mom only a high school education. They were glad for my intellectual ability but would have been happy with anything I chose to do.
I really did not socially become part of a group until I began working at the Frankford Arsenal in northeast Philadelphia in 1968. Closed in 1977, my job moved up to an Army R&D establishment in northern New Jersey and I moved to the Poconos. I have not been to a single high school or college reunion. But the local alumni of Frankford get together for lunch on the second Friday of every month. I make these as often as I can. We tell our stories of the living and departed, here and elsewhere. Working together with people for years doing interesting things and dealing with the same frustrations forms quite a bond.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I worked for the Lake County mental health board for only the last 13 years of my professional life, I have attended the annual mental health board meeting for the last 14 years since my retirement.
DeleteAn important part of that annual meeting is the consumer achievement award which honors the variety of ways that people with mental illness can excel. The award was established by the board the year I retired and named after me in recognition of my promotion of leadership among persons with mental illness.
I always thought Weber's notion of "institutionalization of charisma" was romanticism, but I guess he could argue that I am an example.
The best part of the award is that the consumer gets to speak and they often steal the show from the staff, board members and other dignitaries that otherwise dominate the meeting.
I have no official part in the meeting. I was enough of a catalyst for change during my professional life. They are probably glad to see my sit there and watch, and not have to deal with my theories and data.
Jack, speaking of people who have mental illness achieving leadership, what think ye of little Greta Thunberg. I don't know if Asperger's Syndrome should be classified as an illness, but she is mentally different. Right now, she's my favorite person in the world.
DeleteBTW, I have received achievement awards but will never have an award named after me. So, congratulations.
Stanley, I didn't know who Greta was, but I googled her. Got to admire the kid for being willing to be a prophet in the sense of bearing witness. At the same time, if I ever get another chance to visit Hawaii, or go to Europe, I'm not rowing a canoe to get there!
DeleteMaybe I ought to clarify that one of Greta's causes is that jet travel hurts the environment.
DeleteI know, Katherine. But she does walk the walk. Maybe someday, there'll be high speed trains across the Bering Strait. Hawaii is a tough one, though. If they get algae to make jet fuel, maybe that'll work. Unfortunately, they've put off action on climate change until extreme measures are required.
DeleteStanley, I haven't been following Greta Thunberg other than seeing the headlines. A good friend of mine's son has Asperger's. Very talented but very different. Right now he struggles got through high school with a lot of assistance. College did not know how to handle him. Also lives alone with a lot of assistance. Hopefully he will find the right niche that will support him. Does great with languages and processing large amounts information.
DeleteLike many talented people with mental illness, his disability impedes his being able to do many things, e.g. he does not drive a car.
Jack, that's really impressive, that the award is named in your honor. I hope you are able to take pride in that; I'm sure it's a reflection of your advocacy.
DeleteAs it happens, at the reunion tonight I met at two different people who are, in different ways and independent of one another, seeking to make a "go" of businesses that employ those with mental illnesses.
I also learned about two others, one a pretty good friend with whom I've managed to stay in sporadic touch throughout the years, have recently adopted young children. Please understand that one, a classmate, is 58 years old; the other, an older sibling of a classmate, has got to be 60 now. Both already have reared their own children and sent them out into adulthood.
One thing that struck me - well, it struck me after my wife pointed it out to me - is that a lot of my classmates have gone on to do worthwhile things, and that most of them seem to be good in heart, even though many of them have had their travails and trials with marriages, illnesses - the usual things. It's worth noting because I really didn't think the spiritual formation at that school was particularly good at that time; it wasn't life-changing for me, at any rate. But maybe it was better for others than for me; or maybe they've done well, in the most important way, in spite of, rather than because of, their Catholic high school education.
"One thing that struck me - well, it struck me after my wife pointed it out to me --"
DeleteIt's amazing how often that happens.