I spent this past weekend in Omaha attending graduations. The one on Saturday was for our middle granddaughter, from eighth grade. The one on Sunday morning was for our oldest granddaughter, from high school.
I am so proud of the girls and their classmates. They have worked so hard to get to this point. Both graduated with honors. I know the 8th grader has four more years, but it is an end and a beginning. She will be changing schools, and some of her friends and classmates will be going to different high schools. For the senior girl, she'll be starting college in the fall. She'll do fine, but it's a bigger change. A lot of decisions to make as far as majors and career aspirations.
I had a good time with family (my husband had caught a cold and stayed home). My son and daughter in law had an informal reception for the girls at their house on Saturday afternoon, with cake and snacks. I got to meet a lot of their friends.
Now I'm going to vent a little about what the adults who plan commencements need to learn. Homilies and speeches need to be brief and to the point. And there needs to not be too many of them. The high school graduation was on Sunday morning. It was a Catholic high school, so they had a Mass, which was appreciated, so they didn't make people miss Mass to attend the graduation. But the guest homilist did go on and on. And it was in a gym, so everyone but the parents, faculty, and students were crammed into the bleachers. After Mass were the actual graduation ceremonies. There was a speech by the principal. And of course one by the salutatorian, and the valedictorian. And another by the principal. When it was all over, everyone clapped madly. Because they were glad it was over.
The eighth grade graduation was in a church, no one had to cram into bleachers. And only one speech in addition to the homily ( which could have been briefer). But things were lower key, which was a good thing.
I went to my eight grade graduation, my high school graduation, and my college graduation. But I did not go to the commencements for my MA degree in psychology nor my doctorate in social psychology, nor my theology MA from Notre Dame.
ReplyDeleteIronically, I ended up with getting two doctoral hoods; I decided not to return one. Felt I had earned two. Of course I have never had any occasion to wear them.
My eight grade graduation was in the local Nazarene church. My pastor though that was terrible but it was the only decent place in our small town, the Catholic church was in the next town. I still have the clipping from the local newspaper for the even and the medal they gave me, I think as the outstanding male student, a real teacher's pet. I always got along better with my teachers than my fellow students.
No awards at my high school graduation although I was a National Merit Finalist. The teachers thought they should give them to other students because I didn't need since I was going off to Jesuit Novitiate.
At my college graduation I walked next to Dennis Williams whom I had come to know in my senior year. We sometimes went drinking together with the history major who was the senior class president. William was one of the children of the Williams of Mennon-Williams makers of aftershave, etc.
I have never kept track of any of the people that I graduated with either in grade school, high school or college, except from one from my home town. Ronald V. Dolan high an extremely high SAT math school score (higher than mine) but not much of a verbal score. He had a problem with stuttering. However Ronnie went on to be an actuary
CPA exams are easier than actuarial exams. Actuarial exams test more difficult concepts and get harder as the candidate progresses through them. Number of Exams: Actuaries need to pass 10 exams in order to be fully qualified, whereas accountants have to pass 4 exams within an 18 month period.
Ronnie had a distinguished career in the insurance industry and in local philanthropy. Like myself he had considered becoming a priest. Two of his sisters had become nuns. However, he died at age 63; don't know anything about why.
https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries/legacyremembers/ronald-dolan-obituary?id=42174514
It probably wouldn’t hurt to cut down dramatically on speakers AND limit their time. I went to a public school when we moved to the mountains— K-12 in two buildings connected by a short covered corridor.. One building was K-8, the other was 9-12. We didn’t have an 8th grade graduation (our grandkids have had kindergarten graduations (!) which we have been unable to attend, complete with traditional homemade head coverings with tassels. I don’t know about speeches). My high school graduation was in the gym. We had 80 students or so. The principal spoke and two students. I was Salutatorian and they made me give a speech. I was terrified. I refused to ever speak to a group again, throughout life, including in my entire career. I have no memory of what I said, just the terror I felt looking out at several hundred people in the gym, nor of the speeches by the principal and the Valedictorian (who edged me out by 0.01 point on GPA. I didn’t mind— she had worked so hard for it she literally had a nervous breakdown and missed the last 6 weeks of senior year). I don’t remember who the speakers were at my college graduation or those of our children. Except one. Our eldest son graduated from USC in LA. The speaker for his graduation was Michael Eisner, who was head of Disney then. People were just beginning to use email heavily— 2000. He spent about 45 minutes talking about email— the most boring speech of all the graduation speeches we sat through over the years.
ReplyDeleteBoth my high school and college classes were very small and I have been in regular contact with friends from both all my life. One woman became my first friend after moving to the mountains when I was a total misfit and was miserable that first year in 5th grade. The next year they sent me to 7th instead of 6th and Kathleen became my friend. I was 11 then. In 9th we became friends with two girls who arrived at the high school from a different K-8 school in another town “down the mountain” a bit. The four of us are still in touch and we all get together when I am in California. My Catholic women’s college (the Marymount part of Loyola Marymount) had an honors program for freshmen. Most of us in that group were scholarship students. We took several classes together and lived in the same dorm. Most of the other (non- honors) students had cars and went home every weekend to avoid the campus curfew. We scholarship students didn’t have cars. Marymount was in a beautiful location overlooking the ocean, but we were isolated without cars. The women moved to the Loyola campus near the LA airport the September after I graduated and our campus was sold to the Salvation Army to be their western headquarters. It’s on land worth many millions with spectacular ocean views. They also build a dozen or so single family homes for their high level officers, homes there that would sell for several million $ each if on the open market. My feelings about the Salvation Army have never been the same since. Since we were among the few in the dorm on weekend (along with a few out of state and international students) several of us bonded for a lifetime and are in regular communication to this day though separated by hundreds or thousands of miles. My high school and college friends were my biggest support ( except for our sons and a couple of friends from Maryland ) after my husband fell and we went to California. My eldest sister (the trumper) never called, texted or emailed me although she did keep in contact with our eldest son at first. The sister who did support me died two months after my husband’s fall.
As they say, friends are the family you choose. I have been blessed in my friendships - in the mountain community schools, in college, and in my Maryland community of 50+ years.
Anne, I went to a Marymount College too, my freshman year. It was in Salina KS, and run by the Sisters of St. Joseph. Pretty far from California! I was homesick and transferred to one of the state colleges in Nebraska the next year. That Marymount no longer exists. Small private colleges have had a hard time staying afloat.
DeleteIf sounds like your college had a beautiful campus.
The order that ran Marymount in Los Angeles was the Religious of the Sacred Heart of Mary. They had some kind of relationship with the Sisters of vet Joseph of Orange, is that the same order as your college in Salinas? There were a few sisters of St Joseph of Orange who taught at LMU also but never at the Palos Verdes campus.. At that time the RSHMs also had colleges in Tarrytown, NY, and Manhattan, and two year colleges in Florida and Arlington, VA. Some of our graduating classmates had transferred to our college from the two year colleges junior year. Tarreytown was sold to Fordham about 15 years ago and is used by Fordham as a conference center I think. Marymount Manhattan is secular now, but with some RSHM involvement on the board (I think). Marymount Arlington is now a university with a few grad programs. Marymount Boca Raton is gone. LMU no longer has any RSHMs on the faculty. The few remaining retired nuns live together in a small apartment house near the LMU. campus.The era of a Catholic women’s colleges is pretty much just history now.
DeleteThe Marymount Palos Verdes campus was nice, but the views of the ocean and Catalina Island were spectacular. The LMU campus has some ocean views and has a pretty campus, but watching the sun set into the ocean every night at the women’s campus in PV., getting it bigger and bigger and becoming a huge yellow ball shining “up” from “under” the water as it appeared to sink below the water, is one of my favorite college memories. The optical illusion is fascinating to me still. When in California over the years I frequently went to the coast to watch the sun set into the ocean.
The Sisters of St. Joseph who taught at Marymount in Salina were the ones from Concordia, KS. They had originally started in France, maybe all the St. Joseph orders did? I know they followed a rule which was Ignatian, having some things in common with the Jesuits. I had some Sisters of St. Joseph as teachers in middle school years. I was always impressed with their order.
DeleteThe RSHMs were also founded in France. Their motherhouse is in Beziers France still. The Sisters of St Joseph at your college are part of the same order as the Sisters of St Joseph of Orange in California. We’re related! 😉
Deletehttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sisters_of_St._Joseph#:~:text=This%20congregation%2C%20named%20for%20Saint,active%20in%2050%20other%20countries.
This is an AI summary of their role at LMU
“ Overview. The Sisters of St. Joseph of Orange (CSJ) and the Religious of the Sacred Heart of Mary (RSHM) are two of the three sponsoring religious communities of Loyola Marymount University (LMU), along with the Society of Jesus (Jesuits).;The Sisters of St. Joseph of Orange partnered in this educational endeavor, bringing their tradition of service and education to the campus. Both congregations continue to shape campus life, with many Sisters serving on LMU's Board of Trustees, administration, and faculty. To commemorate the 50th anniversary of the university merger, both the RSHM and the Sisters of St. Joseph of Orange awarded $1 million gifts to endow campus institutes.
The CSJ Center for Reconciliation and Justice was Established in 2012 by the Sisters of St. Joseph of Orange, this center promotes compassion, dialogue, and social justice at the university. ..
The Marymount Institute for Faith, Culture, and the Arts: The RSHM sponsor this institute, which fosters dialogue between religion, the arts, and contemporary culture. Learn more about its mission via the Marymount Institute portal.
Spiritual Heritage: Together with the Jesuits, these two orders anchor LMU's Catholic and educational identity. You can read more about their collective ethos and charisms directly on the LMU Sponsoring Religious Communities directory.”
High school resulted in a life-long friendship with one of the teachers. George had a bachelor’s degree from Harvard and was studying for a master’s degree in math I think at BC. He befriended me because he was a member of the Serra Club which promotes vocations. He knew I was planning to become a Jesuit novice. He introduced me to Merton’s Seeds of Contemplation which probably had more impact upon my life than any other non-scriptural book. I did not think I needed to become a Trappist in order to be a contemplative. In fact, decided I was already a contemplative, and Merton’s book simply explained my life to me. I saw nothing amiss at wanting to be a Jesuit, who were contemplatives in action. I already knew that I was finding God everywhere. George’s friendship was facilitated by my frequent visits home and that he was choir director for the parish where I had been baptized and where I often went to church.
ReplyDeleteNovitiate brought two Jesuit friendships that lasted through college even though we went separate ways. We continued to write regularly. In my junior year Paul moved to the Jesuit house of studies in Aurora, ILL which was right on the train route between Pittsburgh and Saint John’s Minn. Denny moved to Saint Louis University. I joined him there for the Liturgical Conference which was the official first Mass in English. Once I went to graduate school there was not time to continue those relationships. I think Paul left the Jesuits a few years later. Denny remained and died about five or ten years ago. But I had no further contact with him.
College brought important friendships to my life but neither lasted into graduate school. Jerry was the first gay person whom I met. Actually, he was struggling with being gay. Listening to him has helped me very much in accepting gay people.
Evelio was a Cuban refugee. He came from a high-class provincial aristocracy. He helped me understand how different Cuban Catholics were from American Catholics. We used to take walks arm-in-arm. I was the only person who let him do that. He called me his psychologist and asked me to explain North Americans. For example, in his town a prominent man’s wife died. The man was a member of a social club which also had courtesans, high class prostitutes. The guy married one of them in the Cathedral with the bishop presiding and everyone thought it was great. Prostitution is part of life in much of Latin America. When a young man comes of age, he is taken to the prostitutes. When I was in graduate school a former priest related how he was trying to explain to parents that their son was being too aggressive with adolescent women. Finally, the mother understood, “we will hire a maid.”
Graduate school brought professional friendships with faculty and fellow students. These continued in an odd way since I often met these people at professional meetings but never maintained phone contact, and of course, e-mail was yet to come. Those profession meetings became less and less as our interests changed.
The mental health system brought additional friendships with colleagues. Those were mostly here in Ohio although some of them were at national meetings. Our board sponsored attendance at these, and I regularly made presentations. When friends retired from the mental health system they often moved away. Not many continued to attend the annual mental health board meeting as I have done (except during Covid). My motivation has been the consumer achievement award which was established by my promotion of consumer talents. I encouraged the Board to go for diversity of achievements. They have done a good job.
My parents were best friends, and once I became financially independent upon entering graduate school we all became best friends. Although they have been dead for decades now, I feel they are with me in everything that I do.
The former priest was from Latin America. He had studied prostitutes in the shanty towns of Lima. He found out that having sex was not the most important part of their job. It was building up their client's ego. So, they would flatter their clients with how eager they were to have sex with them. Latin American men think it is very important not to be controlled by women, so it was quite masculine for them to deny women's sexual desires. The former priest was a sociology student and got a lot of kidding about his research.
DeleteAs a student, I thought graduations were a complete waste of time that could better be wasted more enjoyably. As a parent, my attitude hasn't really evolved much. I agree they are too long. They are also physically uncomfortable - most of the ones I have attended as a parent have involved sitting in bleachers in school gyms.
ReplyDeletePerhaps if I was a teacher I'd feel differently about it. A woman in our choir taught at the high school my children attended; I'll ask her when I see her next how teachers feel about graduation ceremonies.
There is also the problem (if it is a problem) that, as a society, we don't know how to behave at ceremonial functions. We don't buy into the whole idea of ceremony anymore. Maybe these ritualistic events are part of the glue that holds our society together, but I have a hard time buying into it. And I'm quite pro-liturgy!
One of my daughters was given some sort of academic honor by her school at the end of her senior year of college. It wasn't only her; it was 20-30 of her classmates, too, who had similarly excelled academically. The celebration took the form of a very nice breakfast buffet in an event room at the university. We sat at round tables with 8 or 10 of us at each table. There were a handful of speeches, and each student's name was announced. It was quite lovely. I think it's a better model than the Land-of-Hope-and-Glory and five dull speeches and hundreds of graduates crossing the stage individually.
When my wife graduated from college, whoever was tabbed to be the keynote speaker was not able to make it - I think he was ill. The person they recruited to be his last-minute substitute was this guy Frank who sang next to me in the bass section of the college church choir. A little guy, middle-aged, with a greying beard. A very nice person, quiet sense of humor, patient with our undergrad hijinx. When they introduced him, I was dismayed; I thought he would be a complete dud as a public speaker. But it turned out to be the opposite. His speech was the best I've heard so far. He was introduced as an eminent scholar of Albert the Great (I hadn't been curious enough to know this much about his background, even though we had been section-mates for several years). He wasn't a fiery speaker, but the things he talked about clearly were things he believed with every fiber of his being. There was a sort of quiet sagacity in his words that was utterly compelling.
If anyone ever asked me to give a commencement address, I'd just read JK Rowling's speech at Harvard:
https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2008/06/text-of-j-k-rowling-speech/
“ The celebration took the form of a very nice breakfast buffet in an event room at the university. We sat at round tables with 8 or 10 of us at each table. There were a handful of speeches, and each student's name was announced. It was quite lovely. I think it's a better model than the Land-of-Hope-and-Glory and five dull speeches and hundreds of graduates crossing the stage individually.”
DeleteAgree completely! The Honors breakfast sounds lovely, so much better than most graduation ceremonies.
This honors breakfast sounds a lot like the one they had for the seniors and their grandparents a couple of weeks ago. We were able to attend that, and were really glad to be invited.
Delete“ The man was a member of a social club which also had courtesans, high class prostitutes. The guy married one of them in the Cathedral with the bishop presiding and everyone thought it was great”.
ReplyDeleteOne of my college friends married a man from a wealthy aristocratic family in Ecuador. They were married for 7 years and had two children before she divorced him for frequently flying to Rio to visit his mistress. He didn’t understand why this upset her. After all, it was the custom. The men had wives with whom they had children and conducted extended family life and their social lives, and they had mistresses for their personal pleasure.
I had colleagues who became friends, but I was an independent contractor. As a freelance consultant I had many different clients throughout the years and many different colleagues, so mostly temporary friendships. I didn’t ever go to professional conferences. But there are two men that I worked with closely on and off for about 15 years. We continued to meet for lunch for several years after we went our separate ways professionally. They are about 15 years younger than I. We still stay in touch, but not as often and no more lunches. One retired and moved back to his home state of New Mexico. The other is still working here. His daughter just got married. We now keep up on Facebook, occasional emails and Christmas cards.
My college mentor (a nun who was the first woman to be awarded a PhD in International Finance from UCLA) died of cancer about 25 years ago—we had kept up for years. I visited her at LMU when I was in LA and she visited here a couple of times during her summer travels. She traveled overseas almost every summer as an invited speaker (all travel expenses paid!) at conferences on international finance. My most influential teacher was my high school music teacher. He died about 2 years ago at age 97. My high school group of 4 generally visited him together when I was in California. My parents were definitely not my friends. I barely knew my father. My mother was a conscientious mother but not a friend. I was completely financially independent after graduating from high school. I had my 17th birthday shortly after high school graduation. I had worked, earning social security wages, from the time I was 13. I saved all my summer and weekend work earnings in high school. That was the money that I used in college to buy textbooks, clothes, and used for social activities like hamburgers or movies with college friends etc. Rare treats. I couldn’t afford to buy evening gowns and borrowed from college friends for a couple of fancy dress events in college. .I had two scholarships that covered all my room and board as well as tuition. I no longer received any money at all from my mom, who couldn’t afford to give me anything. My growing up years instilled in me a fear of being poor like my mom. My husband and sons grew up in financially secure families and homes and they sometimes get impatient with my reluctance to spend money now to make life easier with more paid help for everything — not just the part- time caregiver ( a true necessity) but things like paying people to mow the lawn etc. My husband and I did everything ourselves - painting, lawn and yard care etc. He took care of mechanical stuff like plumbing, changing the oil in the cars, carpentry jobs, fixing broken appliances.. We have both had trouble adjusting to having paid helpers and services, but are fortunate to have enough money to do so.
This discussion got me thinking about Lila, our class Valedictorian, and about my high school classmates in general. There have been many class reunions, and many email news updates, so I know at least a bit about the careers, families etc of about 50-70%. Many successes, some deaths (the first were the boys who went to Viet Nam), some tragedies.. Some dropped out of anyone’s sight. Lila was an attractive, smart, nice girl. She worked very hard at everything she did, especially academically. She was also Yearbook editor, school newspaper editor, student council, and Homecoming princess. She was part of the “cool” crowd but not a “mean girl”. She was voted “Most likely to Succeed”. I voted for her too. But I wonder now about her breakdown and what the pressure to excel did to her. She had been accepted to Stanford but her doctor apparently told her parents that the competition there might break her completely. She would not be swimming in a little pond like our high school. So she went to the community college and transferred to UCLA after two years. The first reunion I went to was the 30th. She wasn’t there and I learned she had never gone to one. She never did. She was married, no kids, and lived in a resort town in the Rockies where she was editor of the town newspaper. She had stayed in touch with a couple of her HS friends though. One told me that she thought Lila had never come to a reunion because she was embarrassed—she had lived a normal life, but hadn’t lived up to everyone’s expectations, which is very sad. She didn’t realize that nobody cared anymore about who was “best”, most popular, most “successful”, or who had gotten fat or bald. It was just nice to see everyone.
ReplyDeleteThe guy who was the valedictorian in our class has never come to any reunions, either. I saw him a couple of times through college and his grad school years. And then he moved to New York State and passed out of my life and, apparently, the lives of the other people I knew in high school (some of whom had known him since kindergarten). So I don't know how he fared after school was done. He was a pretty good friend in high school and I wish him nothing but the best - I hope he's had an enjoyable and productive life.
DeleteHe was one of four classmates who were neck-and-neck for top rank in our class of ~375 kids during the four years. #2 is still living in the town from which I and most of my friends subsquently left after high school. He's an attorney. I'm sure he's doing reasonably well. He actually married #4, but fairly late in life - they were both in their 40s, I think. He had left for a while - was a German major in college, and had practiced law in Germany for a decade or more before coming back home. Hadn't married at the customary stage of life. She had married very shortly after high school, in a marriage that didn't last very long (less than a year, I think), and then didn't marry again until this guy came back into her life. I don't remember them being an item in high school - I know of a couple of couples like that: knew one another in school but didn't become romantically involved until later. I don't think she likes me very much - I may be a suspicious character now because I'm a clergy type now (just speculating - I don't know what it's about). I didn't really know her very well in high school, except the way one knows other kids in one's classes, but I always thought we were on friendly terms.
#3, who was my date at the senior prom in a "just friends" sort of way, became a doctor. She was from a single-mom family and they weren't very well off, and she really had a strong drive to succeed (she reminds me of Anne in some ways). She did well in college and then went to a pretty top-flight medical school. She visited me once when I was a young adult in Chicago. Even among doctors moving into the post-fellowship world, she struck me as pretty driven and ambitious. She ended up practicing medicine somewhere in the West - Denver, I think. She doesn't come to reunions, either - haven't seen her nor heard from her since that visit some 40 or so years ago. Probably if I spent more time on Facebook, I'd have a better idea of what happened to some of these folks.
I'm aware of some 4-5 folks from my high school graduating class who have made scads of money as adults. None of them were among the top rank academically, although they were all reasonably bright. They apparently had the right combination of luck and whatever mysterious (to me, anyway) attributes propels someone to the 1%.
I think there were 114 or so in my graduating class (1969). The social scene was So. Damn. Complicated. for girls in the 60s (maybe not all girls?). I just heaved a sigh of relief when I was done with high school.
DeleteI don't think anyone made it to the super rich category. Most people did okay. Some didn't. One girl died in a drowning accident on the lake before graduation. A boy committed suicide three weeks after graduation. People speculated it was over a breakup with his girlfriend. There were some other deaths in the first 15 years or so ( cancer, car wrecks, suicides, etc.)
I went to the five year reunion, it seemed like nobody had changed much. So I didn't go to any reunions for a long time. Did go to some later ones. Actually had a good time at the 50th one. Everyone had finally grown up!
I got on FB fairly late. A lot of people from my class friended me, and shared some nice memories. I was so surprised. I didn't think anyone had liked me very much.
I got the impression that my granddaughter had been happier in high school. They didn't worry so much about popularity. You didn't have to be in pep club to have decent social creds (I'm not even sure they had pep club?). I didn't, join pep club, that is. I thought it was dumb. That was part of the problem.
DeleteAnother difference with my granddaughter's class, no girls dropped out of school because they "had to" get married.
Coming back to the topic of graduations: I sounded out my wife on her views. I thought she'd come down strongly in favor of graduation ceremonies, because she was always the parent in our family who made it clear to everyone else (including me, I guess) that skipping the ceremonies wasn't an option.
ReplyDeleteSo she surprised me: she said she has mixed feelings about them. She agrees they're too long, dull, and have too many speeches. But I think she thinks - and I am inclined to agree with her - that they are important. Maybe more important to parents than to kids. Graduations are milestones that allow us to measure how our children are doing in life. And maybe they measure us parents in a way, too: how are we doing as parents? (That's a pretty competitive vocation in the suburbs.) At any rate, I am on board with Katherine being proud of her granddaughters for what they've achieved and for reaching these formally-significant milestones. I've felt that about my own kids, too.
I think graduations are important to the kids, too. Especially the big ones. One of my nieces graduated from Harvard Law School during the Covid lockdown. They had a virtual event because they weren't doing anything in person. Classes had also been online during the last year or so. I think they stayed locked down out there longer than they did here. She was kind of bummed about it.
DeleteYes, they are usually important to the kids, especially when it’s probably a terminal degree like law or grad school. I think that’s a good reason for parents to just suffer through boring speeches. My husband is an engineer but also has a law degree in patent law. His parents went to his law school graduation too - but it was in Georgetown, so close to home. I went, but not his siblings. I did not go to the graduation ceremony at Georgetown for my Napster’s . They also had a small cocktail party for students who finished in the fall semester that I went to. I went to grad school at night at Georgetown while working full time so it took a bit longer and I didn’t finish at the end of spring semester. I was very happy with the small event with just my husband there. I prefer small events to big ones anyway — more personal, like the Honors breakfast.
DeleteMasters
DeleteMy HS graduation in 1966 had 600 in the class, so large it was held in the Philadelphua Convention Center.
Delete“Lila … had lived a normal life, but hadn’t lived up to everyone’s expectations”
ReplyDeleteWhat is a healthy standard for a “normal life?” Certainly, the statistically normal is unsatisfactory, as are notions about being either above or below average. In the absence of objective standards, what about the opinions of others?
Merton said that life was about discovering one’s true self. He said our self- discovery is also discovery of who God is. For him, sanctity was unique for each of us. Another way of saying this, using the language of the Vatican II Decree on the Apostolate of the Laity, is that life is the discovery of our charisms (gifts, talents) for the sanctification of both our self and others. Some of these charisms might be very ordinary and common, others might be very rare.
The discernment of our charisms is made difficult by the fact that a lot of other people have their own ideas of what these are or should be. Merton often talked about the many illusions, “false selves” that can easily deceive us.
When I worked at the largest mental health center, my boss, the CEO, a social worker, began my first annual evaluation be asking me what I thought were my chief assets and weaknesses. I astounded him by saying they are the same!
Many would likely agree in thinking that my intellectual talents were my chief assets; however, intellectualizing can be overdone. Also, it is often not appreciated as a way of caring for people. Many might agree that being socially shy is a weakness. I am not outgoing. I do not like meeting new people. However, my shyness is also an asset; it has kept me out of lot of trouble. Moreover, when people get to know me, they trust me. “Intellectualizing” and “being shy” are both personal charisms; the key is how and when one uses them.
One day at the mental health center I attended a morning all staff meeting. New clinical records forms were being introduced. Staff doing the presentations were under my supervision. However, they were very competent and did not need my help. I wanted them to be the center of attention. As a senior staff member, I was there mainly to reinforce the idea that this was an important meeting.
As we were gathering at tables, a new staff member leaned over my shoulder, introduced herself and said, “Everyone tells me you are brilliant!” Reminded of a similar occasion when I was also told I was brilliant, I responded. “Yes, that is what my guidance counselor in ninth grade told me.”
After spending the afternoon at home, I returned to the office in the evening to do some computer work. Inside the same conference room, a meeting of consumer family members was taking place. I noted something lying on the floor outside the door and so stepped in to ask if it belonged to anyone. A staff member who was leading the group promptly announced “speak of the devil and he appears. We were talking about how annoying people can be, and I was using your fidgeting this morning as an example.” I like to tell this story as an example of life. Most of us are just trying to get through the day using out talents. While some are seeing brilliance, others are seeing the devil.
Discerning and growing our charisms are important parts of life. Other people can be important in identifying them and fostering them. But just as often, the reactions of others to our charisms may be negative. In my opinion how much we discern our own charisms and the charisms of others is very much under the control of the Holy Spirit, and one of God’s ways getting us to collaborate with some people and not others.
About when ones chief assets and biggest weaknesses are the same thing, I can relate to that!
DeleteI took one of those tests a few years ago designed to tell us what our chief aptitudes are. They were so different than what I perceive them to be that I thought the test must be worthless. But maybe I am just exceptionally good at self deception (or perhaps at my inability to see who I truly am).
ReplyDeleteI took a different test more recently. It assigns a single word to each strengths. Mine was "Woo". I assumed that meant I was a positive presence, someone who cheers for everyone (as in, Woohoo!). But someone else told me that it means that I am a woo-er - as in a Don Juan type. Sorry, can't see it!